Lads and Lasses
by EverydayMagic17
Summary: It is a curious, and little known fact about dwarves, even among themselves, that in almost every case a name containing only three letters will belong to one of their rare females. Such was so in the famous company of Thorin Oakenshield.
1. Chapter 1 Ori, Dori and Nori

It is a curious, and little known fact about dwarves, even among themselves, that in almost every case a name containing only three letters will belong to one of their rare females. Such was so in the famous company of Thorin Oakenshield.

"I still can't believe that none of the company has noticed that you are a woman, Ori," Bilbo commented. The petite dwarf's jaw dropped.

"How do you know?!" She hissed in a harsh whisper. "Only Dori and Nori ever knew! Da was dead, and Mum died birthing me!" Bilbo blinked.

"It's rather obvious, isn't it?" Ori spluttered.

"Even _dwarves_ have trouble telling our men and women apart! The first step in courting is to discreetly find out." Bilbo blinked. "Now tell me! If the others find out, I'll be sent home!"

"She'll be in disgrace. We're protective of our women, as less than one in three births are female, and fewer live to adulthood. Half of those never marry, either." Nori growled, pointedly twirling a dagger between his fingers, while glaring at Bilbo.

"W...w...well, o-once a m-moon, Ori i-isn't shy a-and s-starts snapping a-at everyone," Bilbo ventured, "a-and n-never b-bathes w-with most o-of the others… a-and she _feels_ l-like a woman."

"HAve you been _groping_ Ori?!" Dori snarled, bringing his pony up so that Bilbo was sandwiched between two overprotective brothers.

"WHAT? NO! You PERVERT!" Bilbo shrieked, nearly falling off of Myrtle's back in outrage .and horror, the volume gaining everyone's attention.

"Keep it down!"Ori hissed.

"Why is the hobbit shouting about perverts?" Kili asked eagerly.

"I made a comment, and it turns out that the burglar is a prude." Nori lied lightly, an explanation that seemed to be easily accepted by the company. After the others returned to their conversation, the dwarf with the braided eyebrows glared again at Bilbo.

"What did you mean, then?"

"W-well, I've r-read that some o-or all dwarves can _sense_ things about m-metal a-and stone…"

"Aye. The Durin's are able to find their way through any cave, but bring them above ground and their lost in moments. What's that got to do with anything?" Dori allowed, cracking a walnut in one hand, making Bilbo gulp.

"Dori! Nori! Stop it! Quit scaring Bilbo! If he faints you won't get any answers!" Ori said sharply, her brothers the only ones she seemed able to raise her voice to.

"I g-guess th-that y-your s-stone sense is l-like h-hobbit sense, except w-we c-can tell things a-about plants, a-animals and the land, you see," the hobbit stuttered.

"And…" Nori drawled

"It means Bilbo can sense that I'm a girl, you idiot!" Ori snapped.

"And Oin is. So am I." Bilbo added quietly. "S-so you can s-see, I'm not going to tell." Three gaped jaws were the reactions to that revelation.

"Whu-?" Was the rather intelligent response from the normally well-spoken Dori. Bilbo snorted tartly.

"I may have been wearing my father's old clothes after working in the garden, but I certainly made no effort to hide my gender, until the second day of travel, when Gandalf informed me that dwarves are over-protective of women, and I'd be sent back, or smothered."

"...oh." Nori's knife vanished and the two elder brothers blushed. They'd been threatening a woman! "Ummm…"

"Shut your mouths before something flies in," Bilbo advised. a triple click was heard.

"Oi! What are you lot talking so intently about, that has Dori'n'Nori in a tizzy?" Kili asked riding his excitable pony in circles around them.

"Quit showing off! You'll make Bilbo fall off his pony because watching you is making _me_ dizzy." Fili snorted.

"We were...ah…" For once in his like, Nori didn't have an out ready.

"I'm afraid I may have broken them; Ori and I were trading some of the more ridiculous theories that the Big Folk have about our respective peoples." Bilbo said.

"Oh?" Kili asked archly, guiding his pony between Dori and the hobbit, with a wink.

"I heard some merchant theorizing that the reason there are so many fauntlings in each family is that hobbit men can get pregnant." Bilbo said, and if Gandalf had been watching, the wizard would have said she had a decidedly Tookish gleam of mischief in her gaze.

"GACK! WHAT! NO! That's just… WRONG!" Fili yelped, falling off of his pony, which had been, typically of the brothers, named Kili.

"In SO many ways!" Kili added, as his pony, Fili, tossed her head in response to her rider's agitation.

" 'S'not true, is it, laddie?" Bofur, who'd gotten an explanation as he kept Kili-the-pony from running off before Fili-the-dwarf could remount.

"Of course not. Men don't realize that hobbit pregnancies only last seven months, and hobbits have a far harder time _not_ getting pregnant than the reverse. My mum was one of nine, and her father was one of twelve siblings."

"T-twelve children?!" Dori sounded awed and faintly horrified, as he's all but raised Ori, and finished raising Nori.

"Eh, it was unusual, even for hobbits, but family size is usually kept down because feeding the faunts is a task and a half. Tweens and toddlers can eat more than their own body weight a day."

"Tha's a lot o' food, and 'ere I was thinkin' tha' Bombur's fourteen ate alo'." Bofur said after a pause. "Mah brother an' 'is wife struggle t' feed so many mouths. Tha's why we an' Bifur are on this quest. T' take care o' our family." There was a pause, then Bilbo nearly fell out of the saddle, leaning to give Bofur a hug.

"That's so _sweet_ of you!" She said, delightedly, as Nori tugged her back upright, wondering how, with squeals like that, he'd _not_ noticed Bilbo's gender, before.

"That's not exactly a compliment for most dwarves," Fili snickered.

"Hmph!" Was Bilbo's retort.

"I dunna mind, lads, I'm a toymaker after all." Bofur said mildly, not noticing Fili glaring at him, as the young dwarven prince edged his pony between hobbit and toymaker.

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**A/N: Thanks to my little sister for helping me write this. We expanded it from a random idea that came up in a late-night insomniac conversation.**


	2. Chapter 2 Oin

Oin had been suspicious of both burglar and scribe from the very start. Neither of them _moved_ like men, having a certain sway to their steps that came with a woman's wider pelvis; Oin should know, she'd spent decades learning how to move like a male, herself. It'd gotten easier once Gloin had been born, so she'd had someone closer to her age to mimic the mannerism of, as she'd been certain that she didn't want to live the sheltered existence of an openly female dwarven woman.

At over two hundred and fifty, she was so successful at hiding her gender, that not even Balin, her closest friend, and the man she'd been pining for, since they both came of age, knew that she was a woman. There had been times where she was certain he was about to ask her, the first, embarrassingly necessary, part of dwarven courtship, but something had always happened.

So it was, when two weeks into the journey that both Ori and Bilbo became snappish, and rode with concealed grimaces, and hands pressed to their sides when they thought no one was looking, that Oin found herself approaching them, with two mugs of herbal tea.

" 'Ere ye go, lasses, it'll 'elp with the cramping, and even out yer tempers." the old Healer sighed. "'M glad I don't 'ave to deal with that nonsense anymore." She'd expected a bit of surprise at her admission, as she thought even Gloin forgot her real gender much of the time. Oin _didn't_ expect the hobbit to turn to Ori, and say;

"I told you so." Oin frowned, had she really heard that? her hearing wasn't nearly as bad as she pretended, but it was fun to mess with people's words. Especially Thorin, he was too full of himself much of the time.

"Wha-?" Was all the Healer managed.

"Hobbit's are connected to the earth, the plants and animals aspect of it, as dwarves are to the metal and stone. Bilbo sensed that you and I were female, from the start." Ori said shyly, grimacing as she downed the foul-tasting tea.

"Hmm, chamomile would help the taste, and not affect any of the herbs," Bilbo said absently, "The similarities between our races make sense, Ori, if you think about it" she said, evidently continuing the conversation Oin had interrupted. "After all, our Makers are married."

"What do ye mean?" Oin asked, abruptly far more interested, as she was a Stone-Singer, a soothsayer, or fortune-teller to any other race.

"Well, hobbits are the children of Yavannah, and dwarves the children of Aule, or Mahal as you call him. It would make perfect sense for there to be similarities, wouldn't it?" The hobbit said matter-of-factly, cocking her head.

"Hobbits are the children of Yavannah? How? Eru was furious with Mahal for making the dwarves." Kili said, trailing Fili, popping up abruptly enough to startle Ori and Oin, but explaining the sudden topic-change. Oin had noticed that the hobbit's hearing was sharper than that of anyone else in the group, even Kili and the wizard. From the faint look of disappointment on the Princes' faces, she was willing to bet that they were _still_ trying to sneak up on the hobbit, without success.

"Our legends say that Yavannah, unlike her husband, actually _asked_ permission first. Her charges the Ents had forgotten that they were to tend all the plants, and not just the trees, the Entwives fading, and settling in the lands that would become the Shire, out of sorrow. Yavannah asked the Creator for permission to create a folk that would love and tends to even the littlest plants and animals. She received it, and made the hobbits in her own image, a small, fertile people, with large feet to enhance our connection with the earth. The first hobbits woke in the shadow of one of Aule's mountains, near the Anduin, where they lived until a Necromancer drove them forth. Over a thousand years of the Great Wandering, we found our home in the Shire, blessed with the grace of the last of the entwives, and there we have stayed ever since."

Bilbo forgot to be nervous or shy when storytelling, Oin noted, and the hobbit's face lit up with passion and life that was most becoming. Given Fili's adoring gaze fastened on the little woman's face, not that the rather oblivious young prince realized Bilbo's gender, the elder Durin prince found her more than merely 'becoming', and unlike his little brother, Fili was not one to fall in or out of love or infatuation quickly or easily.

Well, then. Things would become...interesting...to say the least, when Thorin realized where his nephew's interest lay.


	3. Chapter 3 Bombur

Bombur wasn't the brightest, or boldest of dwarves, and had long since accepted that. However, he was far more observant than most people gave him credit for. Being married, and with fourteen dwarflings at home, three of them girls, he knew a dwarrowdam when he saw one. He'd known that Oin and Ori were female the moment he saw them, at the signing of the company, and that the little bit that they were dragging from her home was a woman the instant he'd toppled at her furry feet.

Therefore, when Bilbo and Ori both looked rather miserable, and were biting the heads off of most of the bewildered company, the quiet dwarf had known the reason immediately. His eldest daughter, like her mother, suffered from horrid cramps, and out of self-preservation and love, Bombur had learned how to help sooth them. The two younglings roused all his parental instincts with their generally helpless flailing attempts at living on the road, so quietly putting the stones he'd warmed in the fire, into their almost-touching bedrolls, was simply natural for him.

Bombur straightened to find both Ri brothers eyeing him narrowly, from where they were setting up their bedding to shelter the head and feet of the lasses, while the Durin lads took the sides. Bombur simply smiled gently.

"I've got three daughters," was all he said, but knew that they would understand that he wasn't going to tell on the girls. Bombur also made sure to hand a kettle of hot water to Oin, so she could brew the pain-relief tea for the younger women. The looks of relief and delight when the lasses climbed into pre-warmed blankets, with stones to curl around to ease the ache, made it all more than worthwhile. As did the hug, and satchel of fresh herbs and fruit that Bilbo gave him the next morning.

The lass certainly knew her cooking, and unlike many dwarves, even his own relatives upon occasion, she didn't tease Bombur about his weight. In fact, as she told him over the bubbling dinner stew-pot, one evening, his rotundity was considered _quite_ handsome among hobbits. Wasn't that an odd thought… That lead to a discussion of the differences in hobbit and dwarven aesthetics.

Bilbo had been shocked to learn that the Durins were notoriously unattractive by dwarven standards, with their narrow features, small noses, and shallow brow-ridges, although their glorious hair did help somewhat.

"What? Truly? Among hobbits Thorin is gorgeous, and his nephews hardly less handsome."

"Ah, you find us handsome, do you?" Fili smirked, dropping to the log with the sort of gravity-driven assault only the young and very fit could manage.

"Ah-ermm..I...uh..I mean...yes!" Bilbo squeaked through her fingers, what little of her face that could be seen was a cherry red. So that was they way the wind blew, was it? And given the fact that the blonde dwarf was doing his best to conceal his elation, Thorin was going to be pissed.

"But I'm handsomer, aren't I?" Kili teased the flustered hobbit, attacking the log with his rear, on her otherside, draping an arm about her shoulders.

"Tell that lout I'm the better-looking one," Fili countered, knocking Kili's arm away to replace it with his own, giving his brother a not-so-fake glare. The poor hobbit turned an even brighter shade of red, making Bombur wonder if she would combust from embarrassment.

"I-um...ah..erm… It look like Ori needs to be rescued from Dori's fussing!" She blurted, and vanished before either prince could object.

"What just happened?" Kili asked bewilderedly, craning his neck around, just in time to see Bilbo and Ori vanishing with Oin, into the bushes around the camp.

"Ye jus' scared th' poor 'obbit off, is what!" Bofur growled, unusually cross for the cheerful dwarf, but then again, he'd been the first to befriend Bilbo, and the new over-protectiveness of the 'Ri brothers meant that Bombur's poor brother hadn't had time to chat with the hobbit. Knowing Bofur, the cook figured his brother was suffering from the possessiveness all dwarves felt towards those they care for, and it was worse because the hobbit was so _cute_ it tended to bring out every (overdeveloped) protective instinct a dwarf had.

"Ori and Bilbo have been wandering off together, a lot. You think there is something going on between them?" Dwalin asked, sounding oddly hopeful.

"NO MATCHMAKING!" Thorin and Balin chorused, sounding both alarmed, and far too practiced at that statement for Bombur's health of mind; the princes looked horrified at the idea. Oh, dear, Thorin _really_ wasn't going to be very happy when he figured things out.


	4. Chapter 4 Gloin

Gloin wondered who the girls thought they were fooling. Okay, well… they'd fooled _him_, and he had a sister and wife, until Oin had made the grumpy lasses a familiar tea. But honestly… how could people _not_ notice that three members of the party always..erm...answered the 'call of nature' away from the rest of the group, and never even opened the necks of their shirts, even when the rest were dripping sweat and stripped to the waist? Or the fact that Bilbo and Ori _squeaked_ when startled? _SQUEAKED_?!

Now the tossing and turning that the hobbit had done in the wake of the young idiot princes ill-advised attempt to either flirt, or seem brave, by saying that the call of a screech owl was orcs, had made whatever she was using to flatten her bosom come loose during the night. As Gloin had the last watch, he was going to have to tell her, so she could fix it, before the others woke. Discuss a young woman's bosom with her. Who wasn't related. Mahal.

"Bilbo," he knelt next to the hobbit, and reached out to touch her shoulder. He wasn't expecting the reaction he got. A squeak, or scream, or even an escape attempt before her brain caught up, yes, and was prepared to counter it. What Gloin got instead was an expertly swung, and painfully large rock clutched in a small fist, impacting his nose, with a crunch, and a hobbit crouched on his chest, when he fell over backwards in shock.

"Ow." Gloin said mildly, stunned at the violence from the timid little bit that had cringed whenever she came within a few feet of even a dagger.

"Oh, _Yavannah!_" Bilbo yipped. "I'm, so _so_ sorry, Gloin! I really didn't mean to! Oh! Are you alright? SHould I go wake Oin up?" Gloin waved her off with a chuckle, prodding his nose back into shape; it wasn't the first time he'd had his nose broken. HI wife had a mean swing on her when annoyed.

"Nah, not over somethin' as trivial as this. I'm just surprised that a little bit lit ye can swing that hard, even with a rock." He said with a proud pat on her back. She blushed.

"I've got something like twenty cousins, and some of them are pure mischief. I tend to wake up swinging if people touch me, I'm afraid. I don't usually have a rock, though...I wonder why I picked it up?" SHe said, looking at the hunk of sandstone in confusion.

"Eh, does it matter? I got ye up, because ye might want to fix yer...eh" Gloin turned red as he waved his hands in the vicinity of his chest, not wanting to get more specific, "before anyone else gets up, lassie." There was a moment of incomprehension, then one of Bilbo's adorable, characteristic blush-squeaks-and-vanish moments occurred. Not that he'd admit, even under threat of torture that he found the little creature adorable. A stirring behind him told Gloin that Thorin had woken up, earlier than all the others, as was his habit.

"Mahal's beard, man! What happened to your nose, Gloin? Did you run into a tree or something?" THorin snorted, showing a flash of the humor that'd been far more common in the distant past.

"I only ever did that once! Because ye and Dwalin got me blind drunk for my comin' of age!" THe warrior protested. "Nah, just learned that 'tis better to not startle the Burglar awake, especially when Bilbo ends up holdin' a rock durin' the night."

"Honestly, I didn't mean to! I can make you a compress, Gloin." the hobbit said, making both dwarves jump, having not noticed her approaching them.

"Mahal-me turg!" THorin yip- erm… said as he landed. "We need to put a bell on you halfling, or we'll spit you by accident one of these days!" By the end he was back to his usual glare and growl, as the hobbit looked at the King with huge, frightened eyes. orin softened marginally, making Gloin hide a smirk in his voluminous beard. Even Thorin Oaken-scowl wasn't immune to the cuteness of their hobbit lass.

"I think it's just a hobbit thin', and if Bilbo can break my nose with one swing while only half-awake, imagine what he'd do with a proper warhammer."

"WHAT? NO! No thank you! No warhammers are necessary, I'm certain." Bilbo squeaked, trying to sound firm, the yip waking most of the camp up, only Bifur continuing to snore.

"Gimme back me kitties, Balin!" Dwalin shouted as he woke, then stared in confusion as everyone blinked at him in silence. Then Kili's snickers triggered gales of laughter.

"Tha's a intrestin' new war cry," Bofur said sleepily, straightening what the company had universally decided was named The Hat, with capital letters, "bu' I don' think i' 'twill 'ave th' effec' yer lookin' fer."

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**A/N: This is why you don't stick me, my sister and a computer in the same room at 1am... Kitties! Because we just had to. Kitties are cute, and fluffy...and evil and shed fur all over EVERYTHING! (and try to sit/walk/sleep on the keyboard)...I better get off now...**


	5. Chapter 5 Balin

**A/N : At the top this time! Yay! Umm, looong chapter this time... Balin seems to be a chatty dwarf. And Fluff! Oh, and since we forgot on the previous chapters, here's the disclaimer for the whole story: We do not own The Hobbit, Middle Earth, etc. Please don't sue us, I'm a college student, and thus broke, and my sister is too young to legally have a job. We have NO MONEY! -Everydaymagic**

**We have virtual cookies though. A free one to every reader. Two for reviewers! Nut free, and we have raisin ones for non-chocolate people(Weirdos).-EM17's crazy sister, who may eventually get an account of her own, rather than stealing her sister's.**

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Balin prided himself on being observant; as Thorin's Advisor, he had to be, to handle the stubbornness and temper of his king, and prevent diplomatic...incidents (it would be disloyal to use the term 'utter catastrophes because of Thorin damn pride and paranoia', even in his own head). At least Dwalin could get away with smacking the… darn...stubborn...man (not damn-fool-dwarfling) when Thorin was getting on his brother's nerves.

Balin kept a careful eye on how relationships were among the company, as it was his job to make sure personality problems didn't cause trouble- too much at any rate. It was hopeless to wish for the Princes to not make a muck of things; he and Dwalin had raised the boys as much as their uncle and mother had. It was quite, quite obvious to him that Fili was head-over-heels for Bilbo, and had been since the older prince had set eyes on the adorable little creature. That… could be an issue, as the succession needed to be secured, and Fili was showing all the signs of having found his One, as Kili had in little Ori, if the younger prince wasn't crushed by Dori's fists, or dieing on one of Nori's daggers in the night, that is...

That wasn't as big of an issue, because not only was Kili the younger, but try as hard as Ori, Dori and Nori might, seven years of having Ori as his apprentice, made him quite well aware of the lass' gender. Balin _did_ wonder what Bilbo had done to earn the loyalty and protection of the 'Ri brothers. On the fifth day in, they'd begun threatening the Burglar after the odd little fellow had been conversing intently with young Ori, then suddenly they were as protective of the hobbit as of Ori, much to the latter's relief, and former's bemusement. Balin thought the brothers might have been convinced that Ori and Bilbo were in love, as most of the company was positive was happening; but Balin knew it was more an older-sibling feeling Bilbo had for their scribe. The way Bilbo hovered, less obvious in his coddling than Dori, but always ready to give a sharp word in Ori's defense, as he wouldn't his own, was rather telling.

Oin had taken a shining to the two most innocent members of the party, as well, pulling them off to help the healer hunt herbs quite frequently, and voluntarily making them pain relief tea, probably for saddle-sores, without complaining as was his wont. It'd taken Gloin longer, but the redheaded family man was, within a month of setting out, fussing over the pair in his own quiet way, mostly by telling them stories of his son that contained important lessons about life on the road.

Bofur was the first to take to the hobbit of course, and was always ready to lift Bilbo's flagging spirits with a story or jest. It was amusing, considering that Bofur had made their burglar faint the first time they spoke. At least the behatted dwarf had caught him, before their hobbit's head hit the floor. Balin still wasn't quite sure as to _why_ the miner turned toymaker adored the odd headgear; it looked like it might take off under it's own power, or the lift of his impressively gravity-defying braids; but the only ones he let touch it was Bifur, when his cousin needed the axe-blade in his head shielded from rain, or Bilbo, when the little thing began to shiver.

Bombur, despite his shyness had warmed to the hobbit immediately, bonding over a shared love of food and cooking. The fact that Bilbo had bluntly said that the rotund dwarf's girth, a thing that got him teased among his own folk, despite Balin, and the cook's family's effort to stop it, was actually considered handsome to the extreme among hobbits had helped boost Bombur's self-confidence to the point that he'd managed to insult Nori back, when the thief had complained over the amount of meat in the evening stew.

Bifur, of course, adored the hobbit, being inordinately fond of children and cute things, and the hobbit, with his lack of beard, and small stature would fit both to most dwarves' minds. The fact that Bilbo, after his first shock, had done his best to ignore the axe-blade, and spoke to Bifur normally, even if the replies needed translation, probably helped. As did the way the hobbit went out of his way to find and pick the types of flowers that Bifur preferred to snack on.

Balin had noticed his younger brother was subtly fond of the hobbit and Ori both, in the same way Dwalin was of the young princes. Going out of his way to be sure they were within his sights, and protection at all times, being sure they ate, and didn't end up on night-watch too often, and moving their bedrolls, when the owners weren't looking, to the most protected spots at night. Dwalin had also given their king a stern 'talking to' the third time they'd seen Ori, or Bilbo bite back tears after scathign remarks by THorin. Balin knew his brother's idea of that sort of 'talk' involved declaring that the offender would repeat their mistake, then 'inviting' them to a particularly brutal sparring match. However, after a couple days of favoring his sword arm, and limping, the remarks were gone, replaced by Thorin glaring at the confused, offended, and slightly hurt hobbit.

As for himself, Balin found Bilbo quite charming, and both well-spoken and well-read. It was refreshing to converse with a fellow scholar, whom he'd not taught, and debate works of history and literature for hours on end. It'd tickled him to find that, in his hurried rush out the door, the hobbit had grabbed a book that he'd filled with his favorite poetry, and no few of them were writings from Balin's youth. He had no idea how in Mahal's name they'd ended up know in the Shire, but being asked to sign the pages in the treasured little book and made him beam like a fool for hours.

"-lin, BALIN!" A smack on his arm from a wooden staff knocked him from his thought, and Balin blushed at the smirk Oin sent him. They'd been friends since they were mere dwarflings, and it was hardly the first time he'd needed the other to wake him out of himself.

There were times, frequent times, that Balin regretted not approaching the other on the matter of courtship, but something always came up whenever he'd worked up the courage. The first time it was an orc attack, and Oin suddenly becoming the Royal Healer, as the previous one died in the ambush. Then there was Thror's coronation, then the damn dragon. Next came the catastrophe of Azulnibar, and then the birth of the Durin heirs. Then it was Balin going on a diplomatic mission for a couple years, followed by Oin having to go treat poor Bifur-and it was a testament to the Healer's skill that the warrior was alive and mostly undamaged. Then it was another trip to the Iron Hills for Balin, then Gloin's wife miscarrying, almost fatally. Finally, Balin had thought he had his chance, and then _Dwalin_ of all b- ah, _people_ came barging in, bellowing about setting up this quest-

"OUCH!" this time the staff clipped his head, not jabbed his arm. "Oin,"

"Wake up would ye? We're about to make camp, you dozy sod. You dont want to be sittin' on yer pony lookin' like a right fool, do ye?" THe healer smirked, cutting of the half-hearted complaint. Mahal, what would he do without the other?

"About time. My old joint don't deal with all day, every day riding as well as they used to." Balin said, groaning as he stretched, and dismounted.

"Aye, that's the truth. We're not spring chickens anymore, even if we can still chase our brothers 'round the field at will." Oin sighed, then laughed at Bilbo and Bombur chasing Kili, Fili, and a rather confused Bofur away from the very start of dinner with raised iron ladles.

" 'M not wi' th' sugar thieves! Why'r ye chasin' me- an' wh'r they draggin' me wi' them?" the beleaguered, bewildered and behatted dwarf complained.

"Dwarf-shield, Bof," Kili smirked, ducking behind Bofur, as a surprisingly sprightly when angered, given his portliness, Bombur sputtered after them.

"Bilbo likes you, and Bombur's your-ack!" Fili was cut off when Bilbo neatly tripped him, to land at Bifur's feet, prone and breathless.

"Brother…" Kili finished nervously, seeing his accomplice immobilized. "We thought they'd go, well- EEEP!" With a decidedly unmanly, and shrill squeak, the youngest Durin jumped behind Ori.

"Easier?" Fili said hopefully, Bifur sitting on his back, smirking.

"Since when di' they ever 'old back 'cause i' twas me?" Bofur retorted, as Ori, with a smirk not often seen on the lass, grabbed Kili with a move she could only have learned from Nori, and tossed him straight into a grinning Bofur's grasp. "Payback," the cheery dwarf said, and tossed Kili to land in a puddle of mud, freshly… created by some of the ponies.

"Were we ever that energetic?" Balin mused quietly.

"Aye, don't ye recall the way we'd drive the guard mad, constantly having to hunt for us to make us sit at formal nonsense?" Oin replied, and with a shove, headed them towards the trees and stream just out of sight of the camp.

"Oin?" Balin asked, glad his beard hid his blush, and that years of lying through his teeth-ah, 'playing politics' meant he had control enough over his voice that he didn't stutter, squeak or otherwise embarrass himself, given the direction his thoughts abruptly went.

"Yer favorin' that bad shoulder of yers. Ye should've told me that it was actin' up again, before it got this bad, you stubborn old fool." Oin snapped, making Balin wince. He'd hoped, foolishly as it turned out, that no one, especially Oin, had noticed. "Even _Dwalin_, who make most Healer ry if they're told to treat him, isn't as stubborn about me lookin' after him." Dwalin hasn't been madly in love with you for over two centuries, was what he _wanted_ to say. Balin, like all dwarves, hated someone seeing his weaknesses, and the fact that it was Oin, who he still, after so long, wanted to impress, made it worse.

"Shirt off!" Balin felt his his blush spread to his ears at the brusque order, and was suddenly glad that he allowed Dwalin to badger him into the sparring ring on a regular basis; he had little of the paunch most of his contemporaries had developed by now. It was hardly the first time he'd been seen without a shirt by Oin, but it still made him blush and fumble the fastenings of his clothing, every. single. time. A muttered curse in Khuzdul came from behind him.

"Mahal! Will you for just _once_ in your life, suck up your pride and let me help you _before_ your muscles are knotted worse than Dis' knitting?!" The crown princess was _terrible_ at anything involving needles, thread or yarn.

"Uh-" all of Balin's normal eloquence deserted him at the real anger and hurt in those words. When Oin lost the accent that he and Gloin had developed as youths to annoy nobles seeking their family money, it meant that the healer was really, truly upset. "I didn't want to worry or bother you, you were busy with Ori and Bilbo." Balin said, firmly squashing down the jealousy he'd felt at seeing Oin so animated with someone other than him, remembering how delighted his friend looked.

"I can trade herb-and-healing lore with Bilbo at any time, and teach Ori the basics. But ye were in pain, and that can't wait. Yer _never_ a bother, Balin, ye blockheaded bumpkin! I worry because I know ye won't come to me until yer in serious pain, and it hurts _me_ to see _ye_ hurt!"

"Oh…" that...was all but a confession of love. "Oin, I… I l-" an aged finger softly pressed against his lips, cutting him off. Oin finished massaging in the salve, and came to stand in front of him.

"Balin, before you say that… I need to tell you something," Oin's accent was gone again, and expression was so serious that Balin's heart sank. Was this it? Was their long friendship over, because he'd mis-read the signs, and opened his mouth?

"All these years, there's been something I've not been fully honest with you about. You see, I am"

"Oin, can you help me? I need you to show me how you do your breast bindings, so I don't need to retie them every...oh." Bilbo paused, face bright red, and quite clearly female, with said bindings loose under hi-_her_ thin shirt. "I..umm...I...ah...erm...just leave. Now." She stuttered, and fled at top speed, silent despite her haste. Balin blinked several times, certain hints and actions, both of Oin over the years, and Bilbo and Ori on this trip, suddenly making perfect sense.

He shook himself and turned to look up at the _woman_ he loved, seeing her anxious, nearly panicked state in her grey eye, despite the blank Healer's mask she'd put up.

"I take it you were about to tell me about your real gender?" Balin stated mildly, proud that his voice was calm. He'd _wondered_ occasionally, but Oin was Oin, and he loved _Oin_ with all the passion in his old heart, and had for as long as he could remember.

"And I, you," Oin breathed, leaning down to press their foreheads gently together, making Balin realize he must've spoken aloud.


	6. Chapter 6 Bofur

Bofur was most annoyed with his position, that is, tied to a stake, over a fire, being roasted rotisserie-style by three, big, smelly, _stupid_ trolls. It was a decidedly ignominious way to die, but none of the others, besides the hobbit, seemed to be concentrating on trying to find a way _out_ of the predicament that was quite certainly _Fili and Kili's_ fault, not poor Bilbo's. No, they were busy fussing over the fact that Oin was a dwarrowdam; being stripped to her underclothes had made it obvious to the dwarves, if not the really needed to work on their priorities, fussing over that when half their number was being _cooked alive,_ and yes, maybe the situation had heated the humor right out of him. Still.

"Can ye yammer later?!" Dwalin snarled, as it was his turn to be face down on the spit, "After we're free, maybe?!". Bofur could smell the other's longer beard scorching. Lovely.

"Nah, we've got nothin' better t' do than flappin' an' fussin' 'til the sun comes up, while 'alf o' us die slowly 'n 'painfully on a big stick." Bofur snorted, and was such in his rotation that he caught sight of Bilbo suddenly jerking to his-or possibly hers, given the haste of getting into the sack- large, furry feet, a task made harder by the huge bag enveloping the little person to... their chin.

"Wait! You're making a _terrible_ mistake!" Bilbo shouted, hastily adding "With the cooking method, I mean."

"Go on," on of the lummocks grunted.

"W-well just l-look at this lot, and….uh smell them… they're grimy, haven't b-bathed in _weeks_, who knows what s-sort of stuff is on them? Possibly infected with parasites from their poor hygiene, you know," the poor hobbit was obviously pulling it all out of thin air, to stall, but the others didn't seem to realize it, shouting insults at the poor, flustered creature _trying to save their lives_. Bofur rolled his eyes, and wiggled, ignoring Dwalin and Nori's protests as he jerked them about, so that he had Thorin's attention, and could mouth the khuzdul word for 'stalling' at the king.

"Ye can't reason with them, their half-wits!" Nori snapped at Bilbo who was commenting on sage, versus mint and rosemary, and sauteing versus roasting, probably hoping there wasn't a pan big enough to fry a dwarf in. At least she didn't tell them to skin us, Bofur thought with wry amusement, even as he gave Nori's comment the answer it deserved.

"If they're 'alf-wits, wha' does tha' make _us_?"

"Dimwits," Thorin growled, kicking Fili and Kili in their sacks, as they insulted Bilbo's hygiene and taste.

"I've eaten raw dwarf b'fore" One of the trolls snarled, and picked up Bombur, to Bofur's horror, dangling his rotund brother over its mouth.

"N-NO! N-not that one! He's-" Bilbo looked nearly as panicked as Bofur felt; Bombur and the hobbit had bonded over food "He's got blocked tubes!"

"Blocked tubes?" A second one demanded, as they regarded Bombur dubiously. "What d'ye mean blocked tubes?"

"W-well, it's something p-people get sometimes, food that doesn't sit well w-with them...I-it doesn't come out the other end, and th-they start to swell as it backs up." By now, even the dimmest dwarf realized that Bilbo was simply pulling things out of thin air to stall, as Bombur landed back on the pile, making Bofur glad, for the first time this whole fiasco, that he wasnt one of the sacked ones.

"The little ferret is tryin' to take us fer fools!" The smartest realized.

"Ferret?" Bilbo _squeaked_, Mahal, the hobbit really was a lass, wasn't she, to be fussing over that.

"Fools?" THe other two trolls were obviously trying to decide whether or not to take offense.

"Dawn take you and turn you to stone!" A very familiar, and welcome, voice bellowed. Gandalf!

" 'Oo's that?"

"Dunno. Can we eat him, too?" Of course, Bofur ended up facing the wizard, just in time to have the blasted wizard shatter the boulder and have the rising sun blind the sweating, slightly singed dwarf. Really, this had to be one of the worst nights he'd had since the unfortunate donkey incident at Bombur's coming of age party. Then that ruddy Gandalf went and set loose the sacked dwarves first, instead of cutting loose the ones on the stake, although he _did_ at least think to put out the fire.

Dori and Thorin held up the stake, and the princes cut the tied dwarves free. In retrospect, Bofur figure that was a back idea, since the inexperienced young morons cut through all the bindings at once. Bofur thought that all charity and humor had been squashed out of him, along with the air, as Dwalin, who was no stripling, along with Nori, surprisingly heavy, and Bifur, who Bofur _already_ knew weighed a ton, landed on top of the hapless dwarf. At least his hat had come through unscathed, or there would have been the Void to pay.

As soon as he could inhale again, Bofur joined the general scramble for clothes, noticing that the 'Ri brothers were sheltering both Ori and Bilbo behind them, as Balin and Gloin were doing for lady Oin. Oh. So Ori was a lass, too, as was Bilbo. Huh. Then Bofur remembered some of his rather crude jests, and blushed. They weren't something that he should say around a lady, even one who was a Healer, much less two young lasses…

"-no thanks to your burglar!" Bofur caught the last of THorin's bark of irritation, and by her expression, so had she, wilting in on herself, even as the Wizard took the stubborn arse Bofur called his leader, to task.

"_I _ realize tha' 'tis th' lads' fault, no' yers, even if th' d- ah durn fool o' a king don', Bilbo, m' lass." Bofur said, giving the hobbit a hug, the last word quiet, and accompanied by a wink, as she stared wide-eyed at him. "Thank ye, I dinna fancy bein' turned into a dwarf-kabob." He said louder, then grunted when an elbow met his side with more force than was strictly necessary.

"TEchnically I think you would've had to be skewered to be a dwarf-kabob, Bof." Fili said, inserting himself between hobbit and hatted dwarf, wrapping a possessive arm around her shoulders.

"We're sorry, Mr Baggins," Kili said softly, staring at his feet, the lack of 'Boggins' a surer sign of his genuineness than the young rip's expression. THe Princes had learned at an early age to use their faces to charm their way out of trouble, and Kili's puppy-eye should be classified as a deadly weapon in the opinion of every irate dwarf that had been guilt-tripped out of giving the reckless duo a hiding or scolding by the expression.

"You should be!" She huffed, but didn't shrug away from Fili, Bofur noted.

"It's our fault that we were distracted, and the ponies got stolen, and we should've gone to uncle right away, and owned up." Fili sounded completely disgusted with himself.

"we nearly got you, and everyone else, killed with our foolishness," Kili added despondently, gaze fixed on- Bofur turned to check -Ori, who was just close enough to hear over Dori's incessant fussing. Welladay, both of Thorin's nephews with their hearts set, even if they were utterly oblivious to the girls' real gender...Mahal was it going to get tense when-if the king ever noticed. then again, Thorin wasn't very emotionally observant at the best of times, and he was both preoccupied with the map, and under a great deal of stress as the official leader of their merry band of idiots.

"You are brave to admit that, even to your selves, much less aloud," Bilbo murmured, glancing up at Fili, and flushing, which made the little scribe smirk. "Don't you agree, Ori?" the hobbit asked, her eyes gleaming wickedly as she got immediate revenge.

"W-what? Y-yes, very mature of both of you," Ori stuttered, cherry red, with a old fashioned look at the other girl, but before anything else could happen, thank Mahal, as a cat-fight was _scary_, Thorin was calling about finding the trolls' cave. Bofur paused Fili with a hand on his arm.

"Ye 'urt Bilbo, 'n you won' jus' 'ave Gandalf, 'n th' 'Ri brothers t' worry abou'. Bombur 'n I think o' th' 'obbit as family, ye ken?" Bofur growled in the young prince's ear, glaring and scowling. He got a horrified look.

"I'd never-"

"Good." Bofur patted the shaken blonde's arm, normally beaming grin back in place, as if he'd never lost it, whistling as he hurried to catch up and tug on his brother's braid in passing. The toymaker exchanged smirks with Nori, who'd heard the whole thing.

"What was that about? You look frazzled, brother dearest." Kili said archly.

"N-nothing. But Bofur can be _really_ scary when he wants to," was the reply; it was just as well the boys couldn't see his shit-eating grin, or their youthful, wounded dignity would probably never recover.

"They should be glad I didn' set Bifur or Bombur on 'em."

"Aye," Nori agreed, shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter. "Thorin wouldn't appreciate traumatized, broken heirs."

"My thought exac'ly."

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**A/N: Huzzah for Bofur being the one to point out the obvious to Thorin! And Protective!Bofur is cute, because he's normally so sweet and cheery. When people like that get mad, it is ****_terrifying!_**** Thank you for all the lovely encouraging reviews and follows. They are our incentive, and happy writers write more writing faster. Cheers!**


	7. Chapter 7 Bifur

Bifur was smirking into his beard. The axe may have robbed him of his ability to _speak_ Common, but that didn't mean he hadn't learned every other language he could, in order to deal with his communication frustrations. At the moment, it was amusing him to eavesdrop on their elven hosts, without them knowing that he knew exactly what was being said, as he trailed the little hobbit, who was far too taken with elves for it to be safe. Bofur and Bombur would kill him if anything happened while he was on 'Bilbo Watch', a enjoyable duty they shared with the 'Ri's. Much of what was being aid was comments on the adorableness of the dwarves' hobbit.

"_Come along little one, this way to the baths," _ an elven woman was saying gently, then flushed, starting to repeat it in common, when Bilbo spoke.

"_Thank you very much. There has been little chance to get clean on this journey._" The hobbit replied, startling the elves, and Bifur ,with the clear Sindarin, fluently spoken and with almost no accent.

"_You speak our tongue quite well. How did you learn it?"_ The leader of the she-elves asked, obviously quite delighted with the new turn of events. Blasted tree-huggers.

"_My mother traveled a great deal in her youth, and picked up some phrases from the Rangers. As for myself, mostly I learned from my beloved books, and corrected my pronunciation by speaking with the elves that pass through the Shire on their way to the Grey Havens"_ Bilbo said with a small smile. The elves cooed even more, and it was getting on Bifur nerves. They sounded like a horde of poncy pigeons, and their gleaming eyes and smiles were directed at his little Bilbo. They obviously wanted to steal him from the Company, how could they not?

"_How delightful!"_ the she-elf turned, spotting Bifur, who was making absolutely no effort to hide himself, or his distrust of the tall, skinny weed-eaters"_Are you aware that you companions have one of their number trailing us? The odd, wild one with the axe in his head. One would think that the dwarves do not trust us."_ the hobbit stiffened and cast a glare at the tittering elves.

"Bifur is _not_ 'odd', or 'wild', I will have you know! He is a gentle soul and a delightful friend. It is hardly his fault that the axe in his head disconcerts you, but that is no reason to be rude! It is my honor to view him as a friend, and I would be delighted if one day he returned the fact I see him as a brother," the hobbit had a vicious snarl for one so small.

Bifur was touched by the instant, vicious defense on his behalf, all the more so because Bilbo had switched to a language that the hobbit knew Bifur could understand, and raised his voice to be sure the dwarf could hear. That the little one saw him as family in return was simply the final diamond in the crown.

"_Our apologies, Lady Bilbo, we did not mean to offend you,"_ Bifur noted absently that there was nothing about caring whether or not the _dwarves_ were offended, until the important bit registed. _LADY?!_ Bifur took a hard look at the hobbit. Narrow shoulders, but a wide pelvis, and small waist...Oh. Bilbo was a woman. _Oh_. The 'Ri's must've been the first to find out, it would explain their sudden protectiveness of Bilbo, matching Ori- Oh. Ori was a lass. There were _three_ women in the company. Well…

As Bilbo went into the actual ladies' baths, Bifur sat outside the door, and thought. Bombur had probably known from the start, which would explain the way he'd tucked hot stones in the lasses' bedrolls for a few days, even when it was quite balmy. Oin as well, given her situation and profession, and Gloin as her brother.

Then Balin, given that he'd apprenticed Ori, and was no one's fool, and he'd abruptly joined the 'Ri's in herding Bilbo and Ori, as well as Oin, into the safest positions to sleep at night. And if Bifur knew his cousin Bofur, the abruptly red face and hasty turn away from the pair as the dressed behind Dori and Nori, meant that his cousin had figured it out as well. Then promptly threatened Fili with severe damage if he hurt Bilbo with his interest. Bifur had caught him and Nori cackling about it; the thief and Bofur got along far too well for anyone who knew them's comfort of peace of mind.

That left Fili, Kili, Dwalin and Thorin as the only ones not knowing, and keeping the girls' secret. Having trained alongside Dwalin and Thorin, Bifur had little fear that the pair would figure it out on their own. Oblivious to social cues and niceties didn't even begin to cover it, and coming from _him_, with all the damage from the damned axe, it was saying something.

As for the Durin Princes… Bifur had helped Dwalin train both of them, so he knew that neither cared much about the gender of their partner, only the personality. Which was just as well since both of them were awkwardly trying, and utterly failing, to woo their Ones, who were women, whilst believing them to be male. Mahal, it was like a bad joke, and it would get worse if the oblivious king ever actually realized that his nephews were interested in more that striking up a friendship with the only ones near their age. Even Oin would be able to hear it when it happened, Bifur reckoned.

An elf man appeared with a load of snowy white towels; what a foolish color for something that was inevitably going to get dirty. The elf sneered at the dwarf as he set them just inside the door, muttering under his breath in elvish.

"_Idiot dwarf, too stupid to realize that he won't catch a glimpse of our women bathing."_ Bifur could deal with most insults, but to imply that he would behave dishonorably towards even a she-elf simply went too far!

" _I may not be a scholar, or a noble, but I would ever think to violate a woman in such a manner! That it even crosses your mind shows me that elves do not respect their women as they should. No dwarf would eve do something so heinous! I am here to escort our hobbit lass back when she is done."_ Bifur crossed his arms and glared, fingers tapping on the head of the axe tucked in his belt. He was too incensed to be able to properly enjoy the flapping jaw of the nonplussed elf.

"Y-you speak…" Bifur grunted, itching to reply that of course he spoke, the axe was in his head, not his throat, but not willing to wrap his tongue around the cursed slippery, liquid elven words with their excess of vowels. His glare was enough to send the pansy scampering off in a fluster.

"I heard the last of that," Bifur jumped at least a foot, fingers moving to sign some less than polite words, as he had a strong suspicion that the little, Mahal's-Stones-too-damn-quiet, hobbit was picking up Khuzdul at a rate that would dismay the old-fashioned in the Company.

"_I am making you a bell! You're too quiet a lass, you almost gave me a heart attack!"_ Bifur complained, glad to finally be able to talk with her properly, even if it meant he had to tie his tongue in knots with tree-lover speak. Her giggle was a lovely reward, as was the kiss she pressed to his old cheek. She was very free with affection, compared to a dwarf, but it was adorable and endearing in her.

"You aren't the first dwarf to tell me that. In fact, I think only Fili hasn't grumbled at me about how quietly I walk. I can't help it though, I've practically bruised my feet stomping, only to startle you lot." Bilbo said merrily. "It's nice to be able to talk _with_ you, rather than _at_ you, Bifur."

"_Yes, but elvish is twisty on my tongue."_ His complaint got another tinkling giggle.

"Try Quenya, the High Elven tongue if you think SIndarin is tricky."

"_No. I did. Once."_ Bifur grimaced. It'd sent Balin and Ori into tears of laughter. For all that he'd said he'd lead the hobbit back, she was the one who was navigating the twisty halls. Their architecture had to be a reflection of their twisty minds. As they were about to enter the courtyard that had their rooms in a semicircle around it, Bifur paused Bilbo with a hand on her shoulder.

"_Your and Ori's secret is safe with me,"_ he paused, then added the final word, "_sister."_

"Nadad." She replied, with a shockingly tight hug. She did know some khuzdul._ Brother_.

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**A/N: Bifur doesn't get enough love and screen-time. He needs some cute fluffy moments. Free squid to all our readers! (No, I have no idea what you should do with the squid). -EM17**


	8. Chapter 8 An Announcement

"I _told_ you it was a bad idea to ambush Erestor, tie him up, and hang him over the balcony!" Elladan hissed at his twin Elrohir, as the pair hid in the bushes, where they hoped the irate Seneschal wouldn't find them.

"But it made it so Lindir had to greet the dwarves! Epic!" Elrohir, the more impulsive of the pair, not that it said much, crowed in an undertone.

"Epic? You've been spending too much time with the Bree-folk, brother."

"Hey, mortals have interesting colloquialisms. It's not my fault that you are-" What he was going to say, Elladan never heard, because at that moment the courtyard was filled with mostly confused dwarves, and a smug hobbit.

"Oin and I have something to announce." The old dwarf with a split beard said, beaming, holding the deaf female Healer's hand.

"We're courting, and there's nothing you can complain about, brother, as I am the HEad of Family and accepted his suit on my own behalf." The Healer, Oin, was it? said tartly when the red-bearded dwarf opened his mouth.

"That wasn't what I was goin' to say."

"Yer not goin' to pray? Eh?"

"I WAS GOIN' TO SAY THAT IT IS ABOUT TIME THAT YE TWO GOT AROUND TO OFFICIALLY COURTIN'!" The red head bellowed, as his sister smirked. Elladan elbowed his twin, who was sniggering into his fist. As a pair of pranksters, they knew when someone was messing around.

"What Gloin said." The bald warrior with the tattooed scalp grunted, giving a smile that looked like it might crack his face. "Still finding it hard t' believe you're a woman, Oin."

"Get over yerself, Dwalin. None of the others figured it out, except the hobbit." Said creature squeaked and blushed.

"It's a hobbit thing, okay! It wasn't my secret to tell, either." She protested, as the leader, Thorin Oakenshield, the eternally sour-faced, grumpy dwarven king of doom, gave her a you-better drop-dead-and-save-yourself-alot-of-pain glare.

"Nine and a half out of ten on that glare?" Elrohir ventured. Ten was their father's glare the time they'd accidentally made baby Arwen fall down a flight of stairs while playing with her.

"Nine and a quarter, tops."

"Well, let love happen, I say." the fat one remarked complacently, as he ate a raw onion whole. the elven twins winced at the sight, glad they weren't in close proximity.

" 'Ear, 'ear. I 'ope yer 'appy t'gther." the one with that hat that begged to be stolen, cheered with a broad grin, as the axe-in-the-skull dwarf nodded emphatically.

"It's so romantic, finding true love on the quest," sighed the little female scribe, leaning against a sappily beaming older dwarf.

"Ori," sighed the one with the really odd star hair and braided _eyebrows_. "You think every couple getting together is very romantic."

"Why does he braid his eyebrows?"

"Valar only know, it's dwarves, 'Dan."

"Shut up, Nori!" she said, whacking the weird dwarf with her book.

"Nori, Ori, stop squabbling," the older dwarf sighed, with the patience of long experience with younger siblings.

"Stay out of it, Dori!" they chorused, making the two youngest dwarves snicker, even as the darker haired one cast a longing glance at this 'Ori'. His majesty King Grumpsalot decided to speak.

"You have my blessings, as long as it doesn't interfere with the quest." The new couple deflated, losing a lot of tension.

"You know what this means, Fili?" the archer dwarf asked archly.

"Time for a celebratory feast!" The blonde whooped.

"You know what a dwarven feast means, 'Ro?" Elladan smirked.

"Time for some pranking!" Elrohir snickered. They would probably get sent to patrol under Tauriel in Mirkwood, or Haldir in Lorien, for pranking their father's guests, but it would be worth it. Oh, so very worth it.

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**A/N: A little bonus chapter on how the company reacts to Oin and Balin becoming a couple, with Elladan and Elrohir thrown in to spice things up!**


	9. Chapter 9 Fili

**A/N: WARNING: This chapter contains FLUFF!**

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Fili frowned as Bilbo politely excused himself from the celebration, after out-drinking _Nori_, who had been known to literally drink three other dwarves (Bofur, Bifur and Dwalin) under the table on a regular basis, without showing any signs of tipsiness. Apparently the tales of hobbit ales being stronger than dwarven ones was quite true.

However, the others _were_ getting tipsy, and being dwarves, that meant a great deal of raunchy jokes directed at Balin and Oin. The Healer gave back as good as she got, and Balin easily deflected the verbal jabs. Bilbo, though had gotten quite flustered at some of Dwalin and Bofur's comments, and turned red. As he left, Fili could see that the fascinating color continued to under his collar in back, as well as in front.

Bilbo was simply enthralling to watch, Fili had decided the first day they traveled. His hobbit had a sense of wonder and excitement, about every new sight, which had made Fili see the beauty of their surroundings again, with the eyes of a first time traveler. It was...different, as he'd long since tuned out what he saw, beyond signs of game, or danger. It'd been years since he appreciated the way sun shown through the trees, but with Bilbo riding next to him, pointing things out with such delight, it was impossible to not enjoy himself.

Then there was Bilbo himself. He looked nothing like a dwarf, what with soft curls hung halfway down his back, no facial hair to speak of, and features that were soft and round, not craggy as even dwarrowdams' faces were. And those _feet_ of his- it looked like Bilbo should be tripping constantly over his oversized hobbit-feet, with their thick curls, but the little fellow was far more graceful and soft-footed than even Nori, who was a burglar in reality, not just name.

"I'm going to go make sure Bilbo is okay." Fili said abruptly, getting an absent hum from his little brother, who was staring dreamy-eyed after Ori, who was dancing with Dori and Nori, and laughing uncharacteristically loudly. Perhaps it was the elven wine talking, but Fili felt like he'd finally worked up the courage to approach Bilbo about his admiration; what _did_ hobbit do to court one another? Probably something to do with food and flowers. Wait, hadn't Bilbo, in the endless chatter about the meaning of flowers, said something about roses meaning love? Right, red roses were for romantic love!

Fili was glad to find a rosebush on the path to the room Bilbo had claimed, between the 'Ri room, and the 'Ur room. At the cost of a few deep scratches to his fingers, Fili had gotten a single red blossom, in the perfect, half-open stage that Bilbo had confessed to finding more attractive to fully open, or tightly closed roses. He took a moment to cut away the thorns; if they hurt him through his tough dwarven hide, what would they do to his hobbit's soft skin?

"Bilbo? I have something I need to-ack!" Fili yelped and hastily turned around. These blasted elven rooms had no door to knock on, so he'd walked straight in as Bilbo had been pulling a nightgown over _her_ head. The briefest of glimpses had made it quite, almost _abundantly_ clear that Bilbo was a woman. Mahal! Fili wouldn't have make half the jokes he had, trying to flirt, if he'd had any idea! As it was, Fili felt like Gloin could use his face to start a fire, no matches or flint and tinder needed.

"F-Fee-Fili?" Bilbo choked, after the sound of hastily moving fabric.

"Mahal, Bilbo, I'm so sorry!" His voice cracked embarrassingly, it hadn't done that since he was _sixty_! He was quite willing for the elves to show their colors and attack, now, either that, or the floor to open up under him. Please.

"I- Ah...I've got a bedrobe on now, it's safe for you to turn around, Fili." SHe squeaked. No, it wasn't safe for him to turn around. It might make him pass out. But, it was Bilbo, and...she sounded worried. Therefore, he had to. Fili's legs felt like lead, and his face was burning, to the tips of his ears, as he carefully turned around, completely unable to look the hobbit in the face. Furry feet were interesting to stare at. So were his boots. They needed polishing. Badly. Horribly scuffed, with a hint of rust on the metal.

"-li, Fili, are you even listening?"

"Uh…"

"Are you okay? You're swaying a bit." Bilbo sounded concerned.

"Fine...I think. Maybe." His voice sounded funny. Wait, had he gotten shorter? No, Bilbo had sat him on a bench and put his head between his knees. How odd. Why had she done that? A few moments later, he sat up, much more put together, but still crimson-faced.

"Thank you, Bilbo."

"Y-you're welcome." She stuttered. Now that the shock was passing a bit, Fili found that he was actually pleased with the turn of events. Her being a woman would take away one of the major arguments uncle Thorin would make against the hobbit being Fili's choice of partner, the succession.

"You're a woman, and you're hiding it like Oin was." He said, glad his voice came out normally enough.

"Yes, Gandalf advised me that I'd be smothered, or sent home if the Company knew. You, you aren't mad at me, are you?" She sounded so desperate and pleading, that even if he'd had inclinations that way, they melted under her hopeful gaze.

"Nah, I think it is a lovely prank, but, now that I think about it, everyone but Kee, uncle and Dwalin have figured it out, haven't they?" She flushed and nodded.

"So, ah, what were you saying as you came in?" Bilbo asked, obviously trying to change the subject. It brought Fili's faded blush back, even stronger than before.

"I wanted to have something perfect to say as I gave this to, but… I'm no good with words." HE admitted, pressing the long stem of the rose into her hand. Her face softened into a brilliant smile, as she inhaled the scent of the flower with a small 'oh' of delight. Then she froze, and her face fell.

"Y-you know that a rose is for-"

"Love? I remember that much, my dear hobbit lass."

"_Oh_!" Then, "B-but you were planning on giving me this before you knew…" Her face was sad again. Fili couldn't have that!

"You're still my Bilbo. Still the sweet little hobbit brave enough to run out the door to help a bunch of strangers on their quest. Still the sassy Bilbo who stalled trolles to save us, who took the time to learn about all of us, even the things the others didn't realize. You're still the burglar who stole my heart, the night you comforted me after uncle scolded us, even when the scolding was for us trying to scare you about orcs. You're my little Bilbo, and I am madly in love with you." Fili took a deep breath. "We dwarves only love deeply, truly, once in our live, when we find our One, the other half of our souls, and I have found that in you. Mmmph!" The rest was cut off, as FIli suddenly had a warm armful, of soft, delighted hobbit, busy scattering his wits to the winds with frantic kisses placed all over his face, always coming back to his lips.

"I," kiss, "am," kiss, "in," kiss, "love," kiss, "with," kiss, "you," kiss, "too!" A final, fervent kiss punctuated the statement.

"Oh...good," Fili said dazedly, before shaking himself. "May I court you, then?" Bilbo laughed.

"Of course!"

* * *

**A/N: FLUFF, FLUFF, FLUFFY FLUFF OF FLUFFINESS! EEEEEEEE!**


	10. Chapter 10 Kili

Kili had spotted the identical elves spiking the ale that Nori had 'liberated' from the kitchens, but Fili had been too distracted, making eyes at Bilbo to notice. Which meant that the single mug his older brother had drunk was probably as potent as Bofur' homebrew triply-distilled whiskey, given the fact that Uncle THorin and Dwalin were giggling after a mere half-dozen pints. So Fili would be buzzed, but not wiped out, since Kili had made sure to find and hide a small keg for their, and Ori's use, as the Durins had been planning on spiking the ale themselves.

Seeing that Fee was already sneaking off after the flustered hobbit, Kili began slipping around to Ori, dodging a rather wobbly Dwalin's determined attempts to get him to dance.

"No, really, Uncle Dwalin, I'm not in the mood to dance, honestly." The burly warrior got clingy and cuddly when drunk, and the usual victim of his affections, Balin, was busy snogging the lights out of Oin…

"Cummon, la', ish lotsa fun! Dansh wi' me!"

"Honestly, I want to ask Ori something, why don't you ask Uncle Thorin to dance. He needs someone to lighten his mood up." Kili said coaxingly, pointing to Thorin, wo, true to form, was sitting in a corner, melancholy to the point of tears, as was his norm, on the few (very, very few) occasions when alcohol overcame him. The tattooed drunk seized on the idea, grabbing Bofur and Dori on the way.

"Le's cheer up, m'ol' sheil'bruther boys! He's t' grim'n'broody! Mebbe we c'n fin' sum kittens!" If there was one thing a drunk Dwalin hated, KIli knew from long-suffering experience, it was someone moping, and a drunk Uncle Thorin loathed cheerful people. The ensuing fracas, as most of the party seized on Dwalin's idea, too soused to be in awe of their leader, was loud, and hilarious. In fact, only Kili and Ori were staying out of it, as Nori would've gleefully joined in, if he'd not been passed out on top of a snoring Bifur.

"Fee snuck out after Bilbo," Kili said softly to his adorable little scribe, who let out a squeak of delight. The murmuring pair had been determined to get Fili and Bilbo to admit that they were completely head over heels for each other. Now if Ori, so keen-eyed at seeing romance between others would just realize that Kili had been doing his Mahal-blessed best to indicate that he wanted to court his scribe…

"Come on! We have to see this!" Ori, suddenly assertive, dragged Kili out of the courtyard with surprising strength.

"Oh! It's so cute!" Ori shoved Kili to where he could catch a glimpse

"-dear hobbit lass" Wait….Bilbo was a girl? Huh…. OH MAHAL!

"My eyes!" Kili shuddered, jerking back. "I didn't need to see that! OW!"

"Shush! Do you want them to hear?" Ori hissed, journal ready for another smack. "You should

be happy for your brother finding his One!"

"I am, I am! I just don't want to see him eating his girl's face!" It made sense that Bilbo was a girl, actually. What a lovely joke when Uncle Thorin finally figured it out. Wait, was Ori-?

"eating her-OH!" Ori jerked back from his peek, face bright red. "Let's-ah...give them some...privacy...shall we?" Once again, Kili was bodily dragged away by the shorter, slightly built dwarf, this tie, out into a patch of garden.

"Isn't it wonderful!?" Ori cried, and flung -_herself_- definitely **her**self, at Kili in a tight hug. The… squish...in certain areas was obvious, since neither of them were in travel armor...It was nice, very nice. He really shouldn't be thinking about just how nice it felt.

But it was _Ori_, the dwarf he was in love with, had been since he was a mere beardling, because _she_ was so smart, and sweet, and never mocked him for his choice of weapon, lack of beard, or his slight build and height… No wonder Dori'n'Nori, because when it came to being protective of Ori, the pair was a two-headed monster- were so over-protective.

"-ili, Kili? Are you okay?" Her voice was so soft and gentle in its concern. He hadn't realized that dwarves could coo… But his Ori sounded upset. She should never be upset. It was bad for her to be upset.

"Kili?" Now Bilbo was there, sounding concerned.

"He's broken! Mahal, I broke _Kili_!" Ori sounded upset. Why was his treasure upset?

"Breathe, Ori, breath!" Bilbo ordered, making Ori sit down. "What happened, why are you blaming yourself sweetie?" The hobbit asked gently. Oh, good, she was making Ori less upset.

"Kee and I have been trying to get you and Fili together from the start," Ori admitted, blushing. She's so adorable when she blushes… "So when he told me he'd seen Fili follow you, we had to see if it'd finally worked, and he freaked out about the pair of you kissing, so I dragged him away so he wouldn't interrupt, and I hugged him, because I was so excited, and Kee's been broken for almost ten minutes before I got you!" Ori wailed, leaving Kili to wonder how she'd managed to say all of that in one long breathe, without passing out.

"I can fix him," Fili smirked, from beside Kili, and the next thing the archer knew, he was on the ground, wheezing from a solid punch to his gut.

"I. Hate. You." the younger brother snarled at his blonde brother.

"Fili!" Bilbo snapped, but her attempt to smack said dwarf was stymied, as Ori flung herself at Fili in a tight hug, who stiffened abruptly.

"Ah, oops, sorry Bilbo, I promise I'm not making a move on your man." Ori babbled, as Kili tried even harder to set Fili on fire through sheer willpower as he hauled himself upright, stomach aching. If he was prepared, he could take hits from even dwalin all day, but without warning!

"I...ah don't think it was us that broke Kee." Fili said, awkwardly, moving to put Bilbo between himself and the excitable scribe.

"Huh?" Ori was too darn cute with her head cocked to one side like that. It completely derailed all progress Kili had made at getting his brain back in working order.

"When you attack-hug like that….ah… you...erm…" Fili made helpless gestures in front of him, face red, and Bilbo burst into very feminine giggles.

"Ori, love, your hugs meant the lads had an introduction to the lasses if you get what i mean."

"Oh._Oh. OH!_ Mahal! I'm going to die of mortification now!" Ori groaned into her hands.

"No wonder Kee was broken." Fili snickered.

"Hey, _you_ broke for a bit when you realized I was a girl. Ori, come here, and I'll give you a better way to fix Kili than slugging him; his brother's fix seems to have worn off already." The hobbit whispered something into Ori's ear.

"Bilbo!" The squeal seemed to be a cross of embarrassment, shock, and wickedly mischievous amusement, as Fee tried, and evidently failed, to eavesdrop.

"What?" Bilbo looked far too innocent with that grin, worryingly so on a _lass_ that'd manage to not only avoid every attempt to prank her, but reverse it on the brothers. "It'll work, I guarantee it!"

"But!"

"Nope, no 'but's. Give it a go."

"Fine! But if it all goes to the Void, I'm blaming you!" Ori huffed, and began approaching Kili, in a decidedly predatory manner, sauntering with a supremely enticing sway to her gait. Wait, why were her hands in his hair, tugging him down? And what-oh. As Ori's lips touched his own, Kili's mind short-circuited entirely.

_Oh._

* * *

**A/N: More fluff! A hint at 'Dan and 'Ro's prank for those of you who wanted it, without going into depth for those who don't like it. We had more fun breaking Kili than we probably should have... Oh well! =D Virtual ice-cream for our readers and free pet pygmy puffs (in color of your choice) for reviewers! Because mixing universes is SO. DARN. FUN! And it's after midnight. Plus caffeine and sugar. LOL- EM17**

**She wanted to hand out nargles, but I talked her out of it because they would steal things. Especially socks. They like to take one of a pair of socks. Her next suggestion, nifflers, wasn't much better. I thought hippogriffs or dragons would be cool, but they're a little big... as are oliphaunts. Snakes would've also been cool, but a lot of people are scared of them. Ok, we really shouldn't be allowed on the computer when sleep-deprived. Or have recently consumed caffeine. Or sugar. Or have been watching kitten videos, because that makes us write fluff. So do puppies. And otters. And ferrets. That's what we watched before writing last chapter. And I really should shut up now.- EM17's sister, who still needs to think of something better to call herself**


	11. Chapter 11 Kittens and Frying Pans

Gandalf was amused. Their stay in Rivendell was ,almost entirely ,making up for the hassle of getting there in the first place. For one, the young Princes had finally realized the real gender of their Ones, somewhat ironic in the fact that they were the last, except for the ever-oblivious Dwalin and Thorin of course. Gandalf strongly suspected that those two wouldn't have realizes that Dis was a woman, until she was giving birth, except for the political necessity of announcing the gender of royal dwarves at birth.

They young couples, and not-so-young couple were entertainment enough, with their sappy grins and blushes, especially since Fili and Kili were under the fond impression that the Company had no idea that their accepted courtships had been noticed, by everyone but Dwalin and Thorin, who were still quite, quite drunk, a full day later. Elrond blamed his sons for spiking the King and Bodyguard's drinks again, and again. And again for good measure, but Gandalf had his own suspicions; Nori and Oin were smirking and exchanging conspiratorial glances whenever one of the drunken duo did something _particularly_ noteworthy.

Well, it was a good tactic to keep suspicion under control, and prevent...incidents... with the most paranoid dwarves and their elven hosts. Which was probably why Balin wasn't intervening, like he would normally. That, and the old dwarf was as amused by the second stage of Thorin's drunkenness, once he got the moping out of his system with a brawl with the majority of the company. It turned out that the surly dwarven king became easy-tempered and very, very affectionate when drunk.

So far, Thorin had hugged Elrond for a good five minutes, rambling about how nice the elven Lord was for putting up with so many crazy dwarves, and how pretty the elves were, like mithril jewelry. It'd taken a bit for the watchers to stop laughing to hard to breathe. Elrond had taken it gracefully, but went off hunting for his sons with a decidedly annoyed look as soon as he could breathe again; Thorin had a tight hug.

Then of course, there was the scene currently presenting itself to the guffawing wizard; Bilbo was being squashed as Thorin hugged Fili and Kili, praising them as wonderful boys, the best heirs a dwarf could have, and better than any sons he could ever have. A particularly loud squeak and violent flail brought the drunk's attention to the hobbit.

"An' yer so sweet'n...an'...really pretty, like a lass. Cute, to. I think you'n'Fili woul' be'a cute couple, like Balin'n'Oin are, an' Kili'n'Ori would be. But yer cuterer...cuterest? Like a kitten. Soft'n'fluffy til th' claws come ou'. You smell nice, and are nice t' hug. No armor or flow-y robe things t' get inna way, Kitten." By now, Thorin had picked Bilbo up and was carrying her to 'his' spot at the table, next to Dwalin, and sitting down still holding her.

"Kitten?" Dwalin perked up. "Where'sa th' kitten? I likesh kittens."

"Bilbo'th kitten. Cute'n'fluffy til th' hobbit's claws come out. Then fluffy wi'th'claws."

"He's only observant when he's drunk, thankfully. If not the most eloquent," Balin snorted, drinking a mug of tea Oin had given those who were hungover. Which was everyone but the young pairs of lovebirds, and Gandalf, who had only had a single mug of the spiked brew, recognizing the taste at once. You weren't a frequent guest in Rivendell for thousands of years without becoming wary of Elladan and Elrohir. Fili rescued Bilbo, with a glare at his uncle, muttering about 'hobbit stealing'. His jealousy was cute, and completely unnecessary.

"Oh, excellent, it looks like the fun is about to start. The 'Ri's and 'Ur's are gearing up for the death threats. I'd've thought that they would have noticed the courtship braids sooner, but I guess being busy trying to not throw up your toenails will do that to you." Oin said affably, leaning against her love.

Kili was backing away from Dori's clenching and unclenching fists and the wickedly sharp daggers of Nori, while Fili was edging away from Bifur, with his spear, Bofur's mattock, and Bombur's ominously swinging ladle. Gloin, chortling in his voluminous beard, got the lasses attention to what was happening to their lads and all havoc broke loose.

"Do-_ri,_ No-_ri_! WHAT are you doing?" Ori demanded, fingers twitching in her fury, like she was contemplating strangling her brothers. Said siblings froze, and gave her a matching, guilty, pleading expression. It would have been hilarious, if the scribe's eyes hadn't been so big, and tearful. That made it all the more hysterically funny for the wizard, who had his pipe stolen a few too many times.

"He...he's not good enough for you?" Nori ventured, but it sounded more like a question.

"B-but, don't you want me to be happy? Kili makes me happy." Ori sniffled into her scarf; Gandalf was trying very, very hard to keep a straight face as the guilt-trip was wielded expertly against the mother-hen and hardened criminal. He wouldn't ruin it by laughing too soon. He wouldn't. Even if he had to chew on his beard to do so.

"B-but he's young...reckless...doesn't have a craft..." Dori held out only heartbeat longer than the younger 'Ri brother.

"B-but he's mine, and I love him, and none of us will need crafts after this, Dori," She whimpered, and the single tear on her cheek had them caving so fast that Gandalf almost expected to hear a rock-slide.

Meanwhile, a furious Bilbo, wielding one of Bombur's frying pans, was chasing the 'Ur's around the courtyard, somehow managing to keep all three of them busy, barely able to block or dodge the blows as she ranted.

"How. Dare. You!" Each word was punctuated with a swing. "It is-" _**clang;**__ Bombur's ladle was far sturdier than it looked, apparently_, "my life-" _Whoops, there went Bofur's hat, off the balcony_, "and my decision-" _Bifur's spear was going to need repair work before they left Rivendell, if Bilbo kept things up,_ "who I" _Ouch. Just. __**Ouch.**__ That had to be a couple of broken fingers for Bifur, between the spear and pan._ "want to spend" _Who knew that Bombur could squeak so shrilly, as he tried to hide behind Gloin, who was all but rolling on the floor laughing._ "the rest of" _Bofur tripped over Ori's blatantly out-stretched foot, landing on top of Nori._ "it with!" Bilbo snarled.

"Sorry! We're sorry!" Bofur yelped, Bifur and Bombur adding in their fervent agreements, having been cornered against the railing and a twenty foot drop. The frying pan paused mid-swing, and Bilbo smirked.

"Good," with a final caress of the heavy metal implement, which stayed by her side, she turned to Ori, and proposed finding Elrond's library, which was enthusiastically accepted, and of course required the escort of Fili and Kili.

"What'd I tell ya? Hobbit's scary, like kittens." Thorin mumbled.

"I like kittensh. C'n I have a kitten, pleash, Balin, dearesht brother? _Pleash?_" Dwalin begged, but Gandalf thought that his 'cute' look was closer to constipated, than effective, like Ori's.

"Mahal save me." Balin sighed.

* * *

**A/N: Beware the frying-pan wielding hobbit! And Ori's cute guilt-trip of doom! LOL. This turned out a bit crack-ier than intended. Oops. Oh well, at least we got Gandalf in there. And we updated, even with Google Docs being stupid and insisted that there was an error... Love you all, dear readers, have a Bilbo-kitten! -EM17**

**What have I told you about giving out kittens? Some people have allergies! Besides, if we have an excuse, we can keep them all for ourselves! MWAHAHAHAHA!(Hahaha)- Person who is not related to Em17, because Em17 is insane and a danger to herself and others. She should be thrown in Thranduil's nice, comfy, prison.**

**Bad sister! We are related. I was the first person besides a nurse to hold you when you were born! Besides, prisons are by definition NOT nice or comfy. Also, don't be selfish, share the kitty love. If we keep all the kitties, YOU are doing the litterbox ad hairball clean-up. -EM17 (who probably shouldn't get into arguments with her co-author in the Authors' Notes)**

**I refuse to admit that I'm related to you. There was a swap at the hospital. That's my excuse and I'm sticking by it. And prisons made of pillows are comfy, if not very secure. Fine, we can give some of the kittens away, but only if I get a horse. -Person who is STILL NOT RELATED TO EM17(and who finds it amusing to get into arguments with Em17 in the Author's Notes and who is going to have the last word so there.)**

**No you aren't! And by refusing to admit it, you effectively admitted it. HA!**


	12. Ch 12 Far Over the Misty Mountains Icy

Ori swore under her breath and pulled out an extra jumper, when she noticed that Bilbo was shivering, up ahead. The weather was cold, windy, and the grey clouds loomed ominously.

"Kili, can you pass this to Bilbo?" She said quietly.

"Sure, can't have Fee's hobbit freezing. Hey, Bof, pass this to out hobbit, would you?" He said cheerily, and wrapped his hand around Ori's, making her flush. His grip was warm, and strong, which made her feel better about being precariously perched on a narrow ledge, that was none too stable, with a massive drop below her. She was a _dwarf_ for Mahal's sake, dwarves and heights did not mix. They weren't birds, or blasted elves. Ahead of Dwalin, Fili swore in khuzdul, as he tripped when a stone shifted under his boot.

"Blasted mountain. Blasted cold. Thrice-blasted bloody _wind_! The older prince snarled, getting a chorus of agreement, and his uncle muttering about finding shelter before the storm hit.

"Ah, hush up, lads," Dwalin rumbled, "At least it isn't raining." _CRASH!_ The flash of light was immediately followed by the boom of thunder, and the heavens opened in a Void-taken _downpour_ that left Ori soaked to the bone in moments.

"What was that you were saying, brother?" Balin snarled. Nori was more direct.

"I hate you so damn much, you Mahal-forsaken idiot."

"You _never_ say something like that, Dwalin. _NEVER_." Thorin gritted out, his jaw clenched.

"Temptin' fate 'tis stupid, ye ken?" Bofur said sourly, as the soaked brim of his hat flopped down into his face in slow motion.

"Can we stop scolding the over-muscled moron, and start moving to, oh, I don't know, maybe _find shelter_?!" Bilbo hollered, clinging to Bofur, lest she be blown off the cliff face.

"I like tha' idea!" Bofur agreed, one arm tightly around the hobbit in front of him, her other hand grabbing onto Dwalin's coat. It took a moment for the entire line to get into motion, as each had to wait until the person in front of them could move.

"Remind me again _why_ we chose this narrow excuse of a rockfall waiting to happen for our path?" Kili breathed in Ori's ear, when he caught her after her third stumble into his back.

"Your uncle is the one leading us?" She huffed sourly. Thorin's above-ground sense of direction was a (quiet) joke among all the dwarven kingdoms. Hopeless didn't even begin to describe t. How in Mahal's name did you manage to get lost in the SHire, much less _twice_?

"There's a reason that Balin is next to him." Kili smirked, lifting her up, and putting her in front of him. "I can help you easier, this way."

"Thank y-AAAAHHHHH!" Ori wasn't ashamed to admit that she screamed, although Kili and Bofur probably were louder and shriller than her, as a massive boulder crashed only feet over head.

"This isn't a thunderstorm, its a thunder _battle_!" Balin sounded far too awed, and not nearly concerned enough.

"Bless me- Stone giants!" Bofur looked altogether delighted.

"Bofur! Get back to the cliff face! Or set me down so I can! I don't want to be squashed by a flying boulder, so can we bloody well _MOVE!_" Bilbo screamed. Ori agreed wholeheartedly. The company had just begun to progress, split by the fact that Dwalin had taken a fist-sized bit of mountain side to the face, when a huge boulder, easily the size of a human cottage, crashed overhead.

The path crumbled beneath their feet, making everyone, even Dwalin and Thorin, scream, as the front half was carried to a safe ledge, whilst the other half was swept down behind an outcropping.

"KILI!"Ori winced, as said dwarf cling to her, the sheer anguish in thorin and Fili's voices heartbreaking.

"ORI! NORI!" Ouch, Dori was about to go into hysterics, as his voice overlapped Fili's scream for Bilbo, and Balin's cry for Dwalin.

"Ow." Bofur said, sounding more bemused than hurt. "Tha' wasna' my idea o' fun." There was a pounding of boots, and Ori could breathe again, as Thorin and Fili yanked Kili into a tight embrace, and thus, off of her chest.

"Where's Bilbo?" Bofur, Fili and Ori chorused, abruptly missing the little hobbit.

"A little help here?" A weak voice called, from _off the edge_. Ori scrambled over, reaching the spot at the same time Bofur did. Bilbo was clinging to a tiny ledge several feet down, her hairy toes wedged in near-invisible cracks, Bofur's mattock somehow balanced across her arms, and under her chin.

"Grab my han'!" Bofur said, but the reach was too far, and Dwalin was holding onto Ori and Bofur's legs to keep them from tumbling off, as well.

"Move!" Fili snarled, dragging Ori away, and she wasn't even mad at the rough handling, as she recalled that Fili was the best mountain climber in the Halls, often sent to repair, or start bridges across the ever-changing ravines. Kili happened to be the best tree climber, though. It might run in the family…

"Ack!" Bilbo popped up over the edge, obviously tossed bodily, and Nori dragged her further to safety, while Kili lunged, and caught Fili's arm just as his grip slipped from the wet rock. There was a grunt, as the brothers both impacted on stone heavily.

"Uncle Dwa?" Kili groaned, evidently holding most of his brother's weight. Dwalin and DOri reached at the same time, and easily pulled both princes up by Fili's arm. He didn't even grimace, hugging Bilbo tightly, ignoring the fact that both Bofur and Nori had an arm trapped in between the embracing couple.

"I thought I lost you!" Fili said, voice shaking and cracking.

"The burglar has been lost since he left home." Thorin's voice was dark, angry and biting. Ori hissed, and whirled to face her king. "The Halfling never should have come. He has no place with us." He finished into the shocked, angry silence, striding off.

"He did not!" Dwalin was the first to speak, as Thorin rounded the corner.

"He did." Balin, kindly Balin, growled.

"Dinna listen t' th' man. He shouldna' 'ave said tha'. Ye have ev'ry place wi' us!" Bofur said fiercely, scowling, his accent even thicker than normal in his anger, as he gripped the quietly sobbing hobbit tightly. Ori came and gave Bilbo a hug.

"He's dead wrong, Bilbo. If he wasn't my king, he'd be getting the tongue-lashing of his life, right now. You saved us from the trolls, you've kept Bofur from accidentally poisoning us with those toadstools, and you're the best friend I've ever had."

"I think we'd best keep Fee and Uncle apart for a bit," Kili said worriedly, watching his brother clenching and unclenching his fists, as the huddle edged onwards; Balin, Dori, and Oin were clearly giving Thorin a talking-to, and Dwalin had just brought an angry fist down on the kings shoulder in reprovement. "Otherwise Fee'll be taking the crown a lot sooner than anticipated. Then I'll be forced to take it, 'cause Mum will kill Fee for killing Thorin before she could." Bilbo let out a watery giggle, evidently what Kili had been trying for, as he grinned in relief. How sweet of her prince…

"See, you know uncle's a grump, and when he's scared or worried, he yells at the first person to get his attention."

"He's full of it, is what he is, Kee. He has no right to yell at my Bilbo like that," Fili snarled, sounding, and looking, rather like an infuriated lion, even with his mane plastered to his head.

"Cave just ahead," Nori said shortly, "the others are already inside."

"Let's get you in, where you can dry off, Love, and have Oin look at your hands and feet. The cliff can't have been good for them." Fili said, arm wrapped protectively around Bilbo's shoulders. The dwarves ignored the scowling Thorin, as they bundled the shivering hobbit into a corner of the cave.

In short order, Ori was wrapping Bilbo up in some of her spare knits, as wool stayed warm, even when wet, then shoving her down between Fili and Kili, claiming her prince's other side, with her brothers around her. It seemed to be the signal for a dwarf-pile to share body heat, one which Thorin was pointedly excluded from.

It took a while, but with everyone praising Bilbo and saying that she belonged (Bifur blushed as he stutteringly called her his little sister in elvish and Khuzdul) the hobbit cheered up. As Ori joined everyone but Thorin and Bofur in dozing off, she absently noted that Bilbo had tugged the elvish dagger out of it's sheath, probably because the way Fili was curled up with her meant that the hilt would've been jammed in her ribs. It was a rather pretty shade of blue...BLUE?!

* * *

**A/N: CLIFFHANGER, HANGING FROM A CLIFF! AND THAT'S WHY SHE'S CALLED CLIFFHANGER! Pun intended. Bonus tribbles to whoever gets that reference. I shouldn't write authors' notes when I'm this loopy from lack of sleep. Have some gryphon kits to snuggle and play with. TTFN, ta-ta for now! EM17**

**A/N 2: She should not be allowed to write authors' notes period. And she's always loopy, sleep-deprived or not. By the way, I finally created my own account! Check in the reviews for this story, I did get the last word on the previous chapter. So there. Anyways, I am proud to sign off as-Deelzy**

**(She's still crazy, and my full sister. And has a serious case of hypocrisy going on...)-EM17**

**Did someone say hippos? I like hippos. If I ever get a pet hippo and its red, I can name it Set!-Deelzy**

**I better post before this gets crazier...~EM17**


	13. Chapter 13 Down to Goblin Town

Nori cursed creatively in khuzdul as he fell, bouncing off of rough chute walls, trying to curl around Ori in order to protect his little sister from the bone-rattling impacts as best he could, somehow getting tangle with Kili, who was doing the same from the other side. Of course, that was no help when they landed, and were promptly squashed beneath Bombur, and driven into the many weapons' handles on Dwalin's person (even when they'd all been fast asleep until Ori and Thorin yelled their warnings.)

Somehow, the hobbit had drawn her letter-opener, and it was glowing bright blue. At least, the thief thought absently, as he struggled against far too many filthy goblins, the lass hadn't stabbed anyone on the way down. Which she was rectifying with far too much vigor for his peace of mind, at the moment, given that she was aiming...low...after a goblin groped her. That one had lost his head to Fili instantly.

Actually, all the goblins that came in any sort of contact with the three women, who had been shoved to the center, were killed. It was bad enough to be captured by goblins; it was far worse to be a female prisoner of them. Nori wasn't going to let them hurt his sisters, even if he had to slaughter every last piece of goblin scum in Middle Earth to do so.

"Let go you-" Oh, Dori had to _love_ the words spewing from their little 'innocent' Ori's mouth, as she punched a goblin right off the flimsy walkway.

How their older brother thought someone who read _that_ much wouldn't pick up a ...creative vocabulary was beyond Nori. He also was aware that there were other things in books that Dori would even dare think of Ori having any idea existed.

"I want to be Oin." Bofur muttered, a few, humiliating minutes of being disarmed and hustled along with whips, later, as the fattest creature to darken mountain caves capered about in a hideous parody of a dance, allegedly 'singing'. Nori snorted his agreement, torture would be better than listening to that… it was an insult to deem it as appealing as 'caterwauling' or 'a racket'.

Finally it stopped, only for the blob to order them searched, _again_ for weapons. Which they didn't have- except for, of course, some of the ridiculous amount of knives Fili had stored on his person- Nori had always thought that _he_ was bordering on an absurd number of concealed blades, until he'd met the young prince- and Bilbo's dagger, which was back in its sheathe. Miraculously, the goblins seemed to overlook the little hobbit, except when she'd been actively fighting them.

"-start with the youngest!" Oh, Void take it, no! The lardball was pointing at Ori! Nori was not going to let that happen! Gah, Thorin, you may be a king, and saving Ori, but you are a bloody _idiot_! He thought, seconds later, when said king stepped forward. Of _course_, the goblins would recognise Thorin, it wasn't as if he'd slaughtered hundreds of them over the years, o someone had put a blasted _bounty_ on the fool king's head. No, so it was a perfectly _brilliant_ idea to draw attention to himself…

"I. Will. Kill. Thorin." Surprisingly, it was Balin who hissed Nori's frustrated thoughts out loud. And now the royal idiot, in every sense of the term, was arguing with wart-face about whether or not Azog lived. Did it even matter, as long as ugly up there thought so? Actually, Nori had doubted the supposed death of the Defiler for...well as long as it had been supposed. For one, look at Bifur; it was possible to survive wounds that should be fatal, and since when had the Valar _not_ turn the Durin;s lives to pure chaos? The sheer unlikeliness, and huge inconvenience Azog's survival would be, would simply make it inevitable.

"Oh. No, nonononononono!" That was Bilbo, whose gaze was fastened on the goblin picking up Thorin's shiny new sword. "If they recognise it…" The Company was screwed. Because there was no chance that the goblins wouldn't recognise a legendary blades named 'the GOBLIN cleaver'. That would require _good_ luck for once. And yep, there they went screaming and-

"NOT OUR KING YOU DUNG-CRAWLING TURDS!" Oh, that was Nori himself who screamed that rather...pathetic insult, as a blade was raised to cut off a struggling Thorin's head.

"Gandalf, another miraculous last second arrival would be useful!" Bofur gritted, as they were restrained from helping Thorin, who'd almost broken free, only to be tackled by a particularly warty specimen of nausea-inducement. FLASH!

"Wha- Bofur, I love you!" Nori said delightedly, as the wizard appeared as summoned, yelling at them to do the obvious- grab their weapons and fight. Well, running might be smart, too. Nori sometimes thought that the sarcastic inner commentary would keep going even after he died… But...Why was Bofur blushing in the middle of a battle for their lives?

"Nori!" Bombur yelped, and Nori spun, and threw himself to the ground, barely keeping his head from being parted from his body by the gobl-blob's massive bone mace. He wasn't going to be able to dodge the second blow- Thank Mahal for his wonderful King, who knocked the tubby _thing_ right over the edge of the plateau.

"T' close, ye crazed pickpocket!" Bofur snarled, swinging his mattock at the goblins in the way, like they were a particularly stubborn bit of waste-rock in a mine.

"I didn't notice, you incurable joker!" Nori shot back, using a found mace to stop the scum that was trying to stab Ori's back, as she used -oh MAHAL SAVE THEM ALL! Ori had one of Dwalin's warhammers! Bilbo with a frying pan was less scary. Pokiing Smaug in the eye with a stick was probably safer than being around a pissed off Ori with a hammer. Once she started smashing things in her rage… and given that the stupid, stupid goblins had just tried to shoot Kili….

"We're DOOMED!" Nori wailed. "Dori, Ori has a HAMMER!"

"Oh, Valar save us!" Bofur summed up everyone who knew of Ori's fondness for smashing bones' opinion. Then Nori spotted a frying pan in the other hand of the hobbit. Oh, those poor, stupid, suicidal goblins, who had doomed all of Arda. Ori and Bilbo both on a rampage…

Nori, as used to heights and precarious paths as he was, still breathed a sigh of relief once they made it off the walkways, and onto proper stone again, even if the caves they now found themselves in were narrow, twisty rat-warrens. He had seen more stable ruins than those splintery pieces of junk. Stone was a dwarf's friend, they belonged in caves.

Then again, these were goblin caves, and more of the blighters were popping out of nowhere every few feet in the itch black. Claws grabbed at ankles and clothes, trying to hold them back, even if the goblin had no weapon. Nori was cursing up a storm, and only knew that the dwarf he was next to was Bofur, because of the fact that the other was humming a battle-song as they stabbed and smashed, keeping up with the pounding of dwarven boots. Soon enough, the company had taken up the tune, roaring it out, as if there was an army of dwarven heroes at their back, instead of a pursuing horde of infuriated goblins.

"Ah, nah! More o' th' ruddy rickets!" Bofur groaned, as they burst into a lighted area. "Ye think they know tha' we 'ate th' things?"

"Oh, yes, they just wheeled them in to annoy us, years of rot and all." Nori huffed, then growled as the tub of gobl-blob lard appeared out of freaking _nowhere_ to know Gandalf back onto him. With a snarl, more at the fact that his hair was now going to take ages to fix, than the thing's taunts, Nori shoved the wizard back onto his own two blasted feet. Bloody freakishly tall beanpole of an old man.

"That'll do it!" The jowl-of-overindulgence croaked, as the wizard jabbed him in the eye with the staff- so it was good for more than whacking whoever drew the short straw and had to wake the coot- then cut open its gut. Nori was frankly impressed that even a legendary sword managed to get through the blubber to the organs. Well, the cut throat probably helped. The platform creaked.

"Oh, not agAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN!" Nori chorused with Dwalin and Bombur, as their support gave way. The crash left Nori buried in wood, with a sixable knot on the side of his head, and splinters in unmentionable places.

"Well," Bofur said, cheerfully, if in a rather dazed manner.

"No!" Nori, Ori, Oin, and THorin bellowed.

"That could have been worse." Too late, Bofur finished. WHUMP. Mahal's favorite hammer! What was the goblin-greaseball, a baby oliphaunt?

"You have _got_ to be kidding me," Dwalin, at the bottom of the pile, groaned. Nori wished.

"Ah, _Gandalf_!" Kili, froze mid motion to dust Ori off, sounding frantic. Nori didn't want to turn from pulling Bofur free, to see what had the happy-go-lucky archer sounding nearly hysterical. He turned. The rock faces were all but covered with very, very pissed off goblins.

"-RUN!" Gandalf finished some nonsense about daylight, with was probably the most unneeded bit of advice yet.

Nori, bringing up the rear with a limping Bofur, counted heads as best he could. Sweet Valar above! Please let him be wrong. Please ,please, please, Mahal, Yavannah and Niniel let him simply have not spotted Bilbo, because of her uncanny ability to be unnoticed when sitting next to a body. Let her not have gotten left behind in their flight.

"Bilbo?" Bofur panted. Manwe and Varda, this was bad, if Bofur couldn't see her either- the other dwarf seemed to have a sixth Bilbo-is-in-trouble sense.

"Last...saw her...before...unlit…" Nori puffed. Mahal had made dwarves for long hard days, or sprinting, not this extended racing nonsense.

"Aww, Mahal! Tha's no' good!" What was with people stating the really bloody obvious today?! It was getting on Nori's last freaking nerve! They burst into glorious, wonderful, beautiful sunlight, warm on their skin despite the cool late afternoon mountain breeze.

When the wizard and Thorin finally stopped, Nori all but plowed into Ori and Dori, one hand fisted in Bofur's shirt, as Bifur and Bombur slammed into the hatted dwarf.

"Twelve-thirteen-" Gandalf counted

"Where's Bilbo? Where's my Bilbo?" Fili interrupted, sounding frantic. Not the best way to keep Thorin from noticing their attachment, but given the circumstances...

"Was wi' Dori b'fore th' tunnels." Bofur managed, sounding rather squashed. Bombur's hugs could threaten ribs, and Bifur's… well he usually forgot to control his strength if it wasn't Bilbo or a child.

"You lost BILBO!" Fili roared, rounding on Dori. Nori moved to get between the enraged prince and his older brother.

"No one's t' blame. We all los' th' 'obbit, maybe in th' pile up in th' dark." Bofur interjected shakily, limping over, and leaning on both Nori and his mattock. "Blamin' gets us nowhere, we need t' think o' how to find th' littleun." Nori joined Bofur, Ori and the Princes in glaring at Thorin, when he opened his big mouth, obviously about to insult their hobbit, yet again.

"We can't leave one of our own behind to the goblins." Balin said firmly.

"Not right. Oughta go back," Dwalin rumbled, glaring as if he thought someone might accuse him of sentimentality.

"You don't need to-umph!" Bilbo, who'd just appeared from behind the rock Nori was using as support, as scaring a year of life out of him with her unfair hobbit-stealth, was promptly buried in a clump of dwarves. Hobbits were too stealthy for it to not be some subtle magic…

Fili, with Ori and Kili half an instant behind, was the first to hit Bilbo with a hug attack, Dori and Bifur tugging Kili and Ori off for their own turn, unable to budge Fili, who had his face buried in her hair, and arms around her waist, shaking from head to toe.

Bilbo kept running a hand through Fili's hair, as if reassuring herself that he was real, even as she used her other arm to return the hugs from Bombur, Bofur, and Oin. Dwalin and Gloin merely clapped her on her shoulder, but that was the equivalent of tackling her in a hug, for them. Nori waited until even Gandalf had hugged the hobbit, before he came up and wrapped his arms around what he could of her, ignoring the bug-eyed looks. So what if he avoided physical contact with everyone but his family and Bofur? Bilbo was his second little sister,

"Don't _do_ that again. Ever. I can't lose a sibling, Bilbo. It's break me," Nori admitted in a whisper, somehow not caring that FIli would've heard as well, since she turned within the prince's arms to wrap both of hers around him.

"I don't want to. It was scary. But you have to be careful too, nadad," Bilbo said, reaching out to touch a shallow cut on his neck that Nori hadn't even noticed. "I don't want to lose you, either."

"Halfling. Why did you come back?" Thorin barked, ruining the one sentimental moment Nori was going to allow himself on this cursed journey from the Void.

" 'Is timin' is as good as 'is sense o' direction." Bofur growled in an undertone, as Bilbo freed herself from a reluctant FIli.

"What? Did you think I was going to leave because you were mean to me? Did you _want_ me too? Too bad, Master Oakenshield, you aren't going to be rid of me so easily. I left my home behind, all my comfortable furniture, by books, my garden… and I miss them. But I left it behind for a reason, to help thirteen strangers get their home back, and somewhere along the way, most of them became family. I've got far too many over-protective siblings," a tiny had was waved at the 'Urs, Kili and 'Ri's.

"Two grumpy uncles who are softer on the inside than they'll ever admit" Dwalin and Gloin flushed, "and a wonderful Grandfather and Gran" Bilbo smirked at a surprised Balin and Oin.

"I'm even starting to get a bit fond of the meddling wizard." Gandalf chuckled, pulling on his ever-lit pipe.

"I've not had anyone who cared about me, or who I cared about this much since I lost my parents, and you can go jump into to Void for all I care if you think I am going to give that up! And kiss a troll while you're at it! I have someone much nicer to kiss, myself." Bilbo whirled and planted a firm kiss on Fili, who'd just begun to wrap his arms around her again, when the chilling sound of a howl came from the hills above them.

"Not _more_ running from wargs," Kili groaned, and Nori had to agree, as the wizard yet again barked a totally unnecessary order to run. This was beyond infuriating. He _hated_ running. Especially for his life. It was better than the alternative, of course, but Nori really rather would not be in circumstances that made it mandatory. Honestly.

"No' a 'orse or a weed-eater t' run all th' time!" Bofur huffed.

"Agreed, now run faster!" But not off the cliff. They were surrounded. Not good.

* * *

**A/N: Wow, monster of a chapter... Lots of snarky Nori thoughts in this one. We decided to go with a mixture of book and movie for our cannon base this time. Wasn't the easiest to blend, because PJ changed this part. A LOT. Hope you enjoy, and have a jar of virtual Nutella if you review! ~EM17**

**And another cliffhanger! Yay! This chapter just didn't want to stop... We have the beginnings of our Bofur/Nori romance going. SQUEE! ANOTHER EXCUSE TO WRITE FLUFF! -Deelzy**

**It isn't really a cliffhanger if they've seen/read ****The Hobbit****. If they ****_haven't_****, I'm wondering why on earth they're reading a fanfic for it... ~EM17**

**But it's AU. They have no idea what we may decide to do...:D Ok, we should probably quit having arguments. It's a pain to pass the laptop back and forth.-Deelzy**

**Agreed, my prrrrecious...~EM17 (who adores Andy Serkis' Gollum!)**

**She's starting to creep us out, my prreciouss. Nasty tricksy sisterses. They can'ts be trusted, no prreciouss. Gollum, gollum.-Deelzy(Who feels sorry for poor Andy Serkis, because doing that voice for too long makes your throat real sore.)**


	14. Chapter 14 Beorn

Dori fussed over his younger brother and little sisters, where they sat in a pile, at the foot of the big rock formation carved into the shape of a bear. Gandalf had called it 'the Carrock'; Dori, frankly didn't care, at the moment. He was still trying to convince his gut that Bilbo was alive and relatively unharmed after her damnfool stunt, charging Azog and the White Warg.

She'd been very lucky; Azog had been more amused by her killing his subordinate than angered, but that had quickly changed when Bilbo first knocked several of his warg's teeth out with her frying pan, after stabbing it in the foot with her elven letter-opener, then bent his metal arm with another furious blow of the frying pan. Dori hadn't seen more, as he'd lost his grip on Gandalf's staff at the point, miraculously landing next to Ori on the back of an enormous eagle.

Several terrifying hours of flight later, the eagles had landed, and everyone was gathering around a barely-breathing Thorin. Gandalf had revived their bloody idiot of a leader; honestly what had the man been thinking to charge Azog alone? Thorin had then yelled at Bilbo, then apologized, nearly stopping everyone's heart when he hugged their hobbit lass, convinced that he was going to notice her real gender and start yelling…

"Thank Mahal that Uncle Thorin is an oblivious idiot," Fili muttered into Bilbo's curls; Dori was trying to not notice that Ori was in Kili's lap, lest he give into the urge to tear the boy limb from limb.

"I dunno, love," Bilbo slurred tiredly, "he was more'n half-dead, and in full armor."

"Shut up'n let us sleep. Just be glad he didn' notice" Nori muttered, from where he was leaning on Dori's shoulder, something that hadn't happened in decades, even if Bofur was using Nori as a pillow-cum-mattress.

"Go to sleep." Ori said tartly, as the rest of the company somehow found their way into joining the large dwarf-with-a-hobbit-too sleeping pile, the few blankets draped over the tops of the people on the edges. Bilbo and Thorin were shoved into the middle, where it was most protected, and warmest. Gandalf ordered the entire company to sleep, stating that he'd keep watch. Dori figured that Gandalf was the only one who had any chance of being alert enough to notice anything less than a stampede of oliphaunts or an army approaching.

A week or so later, everyone knew that a gigantic bear was approaching, as it bellowed and roared in their faces, while they struggled to close the door, to keep it _out_. When the wizard informed them that the _bear_ was their host, Dori nearly threw a fit. The bear was a man at times- so what? He was a freaking _BEAR!_ It just wasn't natural!

Of course, the man side of this 'Beorn' turned out to be a great deal friendlier than the bear side, offering them food, in exchange for their story, even if he gave them a very stern look as he warned the dwarves to not harm the animals. Predictably, Thorin began to bristle, but before Balin's intervention became necessary, a delighted cooing from both Ori and Bilbo, who were the last to wake, distracted the huge man.

"They're so _cute_!" Ori squealed shrilly, almost in Dori's ear, holding up a handful of kittens just old enough to stumble about. "Look Mr. Dwalin, aren't they simply _adorable_!" Dwalin couldn't keep up his tough warrior persona when handed a pair of kittens, which promptly began to chew on his beard braids, or cuddle into the facial hair with startlingly loud purrs for their minute bodies. The big, scarred hands, gently and reverentially, began to stroke the tiny creatures, then Bifur was asking to hold another pair of the five-kitten litter Ori had climbing in her hair and knits. Seeing the two scariest (except for Thorin in a temper) dwarves cooing over his little friends seemed to tickle the bear-man pink, as he abruptly became a lot friendlier.

"Little Sparrow found some new friends, while the little Kitten is playing with… Kitten, you might not want to play with the baby badgers, their mother has taken out wargs on her own…" Beorn said worriedly, prompting the dwarves jumping to their feet in alarm. Badgers, Dori knew, could be quite ferocious when they were moved to anger.

"If it's the female with the silver claw, she woke me up by setting the badger kits in my lap, mister Beorn. Ouch!" Dori twitched, but Bilbo laughed, shaking a finger scoldingly at the biggest badger kit. "You've got a sharp set of teeth, little lady, and I don't have fur and tough badger-hide to protect me like your mama and brothers do" The kit squeaked, and determinedly climbed up to Bilbo's shoulder, after shoving the others out of the hobbit's lap.

"Oh…" Beorn seemed taken aback, especially when a badger, which had a steel claw grafted in place of one of her normal one, appeared, carrying a half wheel of cheese over to the hobbit and her kits. "I think Helga has adopted Kitten."

Dori was amused by the fact that Ori and Bilbo weren't the only ones to get animal nicknames. In fact, the entire company got them, even Gandalf, who was dubbed 'Meddling Stork', by Beorn. Dwalin was 'Grumpy Bear', Balin 'Tufty Owl', Fili 'Lion Cub', and Kili was 'Young Hawk'. Oin was 'Porcupine', while Gloin was 'Papa Boar', and Nori 'Sly Magpie' for his habit of fiddling with shiny things, although Dori did his best to keep Nori from pocketing them, earning his own moniker of 'Fussy Pigeon'. Bofur was dubbed 'Laughing Hound', while Bombur got the title of 'Quiet Hamster'.

Bifur was the one that took the longest to get a nickname, almost half a day passed before the fellow was laughing uproariously at being called 'Stripey Jay' when Beorn found him mimicking the calls of the birds that frequented the garden. Thorin, on the other hand, got his nickname within moments of Bilbo and Ori, being dubbed, quite aptly, 'Snarly Wolf King'. There had been a mass stuffing of mouths by the dwarves, in an attempt to keep from laughing at their leader's face.

It was nearing dinner time of the second day of their guesting, and Beorn had just returned from looking into their story an hour or so previously. Dori, having left Nori unconsciously, and awkwardly flirting with Bofur, went in search of his sisters, having not seen them since lunch. Nori and Bofur were as clueless as they came… Dori had been waiting fir something to happen for _decades_.

"-ot fair!" Kili was complaining, when Dori found them, as Bilbo smugly handed him back his bow. "You've used a bow for all of ten minutes, and you're already as good a shot as I am!" Fili was laughing at his brother's pout, but Dori hastily turned away and counted to ten, then twenty, when Ori gave the younger prince a consoling kiss on the cheek. It wouldn't do to return Thorin his nephews with broken bones, no matter how badly he wanted to…

"Bilbo _did_ warn you that hobbits have a knack for ranged accuracy." Fili snickered, then yelped as Ori shot him in the side of the head with a small stone.

"And I've been taking notes. Bilbo's been teaching me how to use a proper sling as well. It hits a _lot_ harder, and at greater distances." Dori's sister said sweetly.

"Don't break my dwarf, Ori. Kee, if it makes you feel better, I'd not be able to make another shot with that monster you call a bow. What is the draw on that thing? Something ridiculous, for certain." Bilbo laughed. While Dori was quite glad to see his girls coming out of their shells, the way them were snuggled into the princes' sides wasn't doing his blood pressure any good.

"Hello lads, Ori, Bilbo." He said, announcing his presence, glad to see that the boys eyed him nervously, and moved their hands to where he could see them. The girls gave him identical glares, and he made a mental note to inspect his pile of straw for unpleasant surprises before going to bed. It was one of Ori's favorite ways of getting revenge, and she wasn't happy with him, for some reason. He was simply doing his duty as an older brother, and ensuring that the younge couples were properly chaperones.

"Kitten, Little Sparrow! Young Hawk and Lion Cub, Fussy Pigeon! It is good to see you!" Beorn boomed, scooping the lasses up onto his massive shoulders, without warning, as he sat. "You have been practicing, good, good. Many dark things in the forest, these days." There was a chorus of squeaks, and the litter of rapidly growing badger kits poured out of his pockets to clamber up to the girls, the little she-badger, bigger than all her brothers, claiming Bilbo as her sole territory, knocking any other kit off, that tried to join.

"Why does Grumpy Bear and Snarly Wolf King not know that Kitten and Sparrow are female, like Porcupine?" Dori was abruptly very glad that no one else was around.

"Well, for one, because they're unobservant." Fili snorted.

"We haven't told them, because those two are likely to try and send us back, thinking that because we're women, we're somehow in greater need of protection." Ori grumbled, the giggled when a tiny wet nose found her side.

"Foolish. Females are scarier, much scarier, especially when angry, or their family is threatened. Never, ever make a mother think her cubs in danger. Probably the last thing you ever do." The big man said. "If they are that big of fools, then blind they will stay." Dori relaxed, as did the others, understanding that the lasses secrets were safe.

"Now, food for Little Sparrows and their Hawklings, and Kittens and their Lion Cubs. Fussy Pigeons welcome to eat too. Not much food in the forest, so dwarves and hobbits ought to be fattened up, like a bear before winter." With the lasses still perched on his shoulders, Beorn scooped up the lads, carrying them off towards the house as if they weighed nothing. Dori gaped. He was known for his remarkable strength, even for a dwarf, but _that_ was simply astounding.

**A/N: Sorry the update took so long. Real life, (aka school) kicked our butts and ate up all our collaboration**** time, then we got sick. Anyways, please don't kill us!-EM17**

**Here, have kittens! Please don't murder us! -Deelzy**


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